Group 6 Memos

Title: High Voltage

Date: May 27, 2011

Decision: Resubmit with minor revisions.

Dear Author

First things first I would like to say I really enjoyed reading this piece. Your work was a rather enjoyable for me and I believe you have a good understanding of your topic and the commonplace guidelines. You open the paper with someone’s everyday routine, getting into a vehicle, checking mirrors, radio, and eventually looking at the fuel gage. You then you use this to make an example of nearly everyone who will read this article, just because majority of us own, or drive traditional vehicles. The entirety of the piece focused mainly on advancing prices of oil and equally rising prices of fuel from said oil. The essay is extremely relevant and for the most part timely. The one commonplace benchmark I do believe you fell a little short on was the compelling aspect of the situation.

The argument you are making is a pressing issue on a global scale. The article is timely in the way it creates a rather interesting argument from the ever pressing issue of oil prices. I believe you make a point about how oil usage and prices are problems and agree with the argument you are making. Most college student s do in fact, own a motor vehicle. I also believe that the types of vehicles and fuel those vehicles consume are also important points you make in your argument.

Your choice finds its way into some, but not all of the guidelines posted on commonplace’s call for submission. I found that the only difficult aspect to find in your piece was that of commonplace’s idea of being compelling. I think you did a good job connecting every single member of the audience in the fact we almost all drive or have ridden in cars. You found a common ground between most college student s and drew from that which helps apply your argument. The topic is good addressing a current issue in society. But the only problem was in how it relates to us. I really think it would be beneficial if you could find a way to directly connect the problem in the market, to our already empty college wallets. I think a direct link would appeal to pathos, creating a direct emotional connection with your audience. By directly calling us out on losing money in fuel, I believe it will ultimately support your argument.

Another possible suggestion was in concern with how you approached the audience of common place. In the middle of the 6^th paragraph you stated that Americans are creative enough to make the change to the electric vehicle; we will make the switch. This sentence could represent a problem with the intended audience in the simple fact that not all college student s on commonplace are American. I believe this could be reworded and you should take a global approach to still cover the topic but better suit your commonplace audience.

Another idea would be to actually mention some of the sources were you derived the majority of your research from when talking about the major automotive companies. You reference Toyota’s prius sales being up by nearly 200% but you never directly state where this information is derived from. I recommend including the study or article in the paragraph itself and finding a way to incorporate this into your essay. For example, the national department of production and distribution of motor vehicles states, and then lead into statistics backing up the statements. The factual evidence is there just not properly attributed to any credible source.

Finally I recommend that you attempt a different approach at appealing to the compelling aspect of the commonplace guidelines. I believe by possibly including some other negative effects of oil use, you could increase your chances of getting individuals to support your claims. I think that the topic has the ability to be compelling to the college audience, but it needs to be represented in a different fashion.

It is obvious the hard work you have put into this essay and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I find the topic very interesting and very pressing as far as these issues go. You are very knowledgeable about this topic and I believe this essay has the potential to be accepted to commonplace with just some minor revision. I hope you found some of my suggestions’ helpful in the revision of your essay.

Sincerely

Title: High Voltage

Date: 24 May 24, 2011

Decision: Reject

Dear Author,

Thank you for taking the time to write and submit an essay for Commonplace review. I appreciate the effort you have put into this essay and I think your essay brings up some valid points. However, the approach you have utilized in order to convince readers that gas is not the fuel of the future is unconvincing. Your argument is interesting, but it is not well written. I would encourage you to rethink how you have structured this essay, consult my suggestions below and perhaps after thorough revision, attempt at another submission.

You introduction is the first thing that needs to be addressed. One good thing you did here was you clearly stated your argument, “Although we have been successful with our petroleum-powered vehicles since the 1920’s, our future is not one of gasoline powered vehicles; our headlights are shining brightly on the future of electric cars.” After reading this, your audience will have expectations for the rest of the paper, which is good. However, the information given previous to your thesis is not related or compelling. You use too many generalizations. For example, not everyone gets in their car and does the exact checklist of things you listed. Therefore, by saying this you weaken your argument and decrease your validity as an author. This is very off putting, especially in an introduction. It may even make readers uninterested in the rest of your work.

The area where I feel you need the most improvement is in creating a compelling essay. The information used to support your claims is not fact-based evidence. Take this sentence for example, “These were released in order to compete with Toyota; due to the competition in our nation, this is huge because we all know that when one company produces something, the big dog company must come in and create the same product, ultimately making the new product develop faster than expected.” The argument you are making here is not necessarily always true. Competitive companies might always watch what the other is making, but you cannot generalize that the more powerful, or wealthy of the two, is always guaranteed to make the same products as the other. If you want to suggest this then you need to provide evidence that this is a predictable pattern. Perhaps use an actual example of how Toyota and Honda have many similar products and and then provide the dates of when each company released these products.

You work has the potential to be timely because the topic of non-gasoline powered cars is currently a huge topic of discussion. However, the structure of this essay is causing the thesis to be lost and forgotten along the way. I believe that this delusion of your argument could be corrected if you removed some distracting extraneous information. For example, you begin the fourth paragraph with a long run-on sentence. Whatever point you are trying to make here could be made much clearer if you separated that into a few compound sentences. I would also suggest that you remove the statement about Henry Ford and Model T completely. Such information is not relevant to your argument

Next, let’s discuss the overall relevancy of your essay. I noticed in the introduction that you are definitely striving to display how and why the topic of electric cars will apply to college students, but once again this is too reliant on generalization. Throughout the essay there are not really any other examples where you make your argument relatable to college students. I think your essay could really be improved if you further explained why as college students we should be interested in electric cars. Perhaps you could persuade young people to invest more time in researching such cars, since you are arguing that we all will be driving them soon. Maybe you could discuss the benefits we will see in the future when electric cars replace gasoline cars. Or, you can take whatever other approach you would like. No matter what you choose, you need to find a way to make your argument more interesting and applicable to college students as they are the ideal audience for all Commonplace authors.

Lastly, I would suggest that you add more substance to your paragraphs. As of now, they are all too short and uninformative. Take the introduction for example. Prior to your thesis in this paragraph you only have two other sentences, both of which are opinion based and unconvincing to an audience. If you are trying to argue that electric cars of the way of the future perhaps you should integrate some statistical evidence about the rising prices of gas, talk about the negative effects gasoline emissions are having on the environment, or discuss how many advancements have been made in the electric car industry in the past decade. All such things appeal to logos and would make your work much more compelling. Similar techniques would be beneficial if applied in all of your other paragraphs as well. You should also include come sort of emotional appeal in this essay. Using pathos is almost always necessary in writing for a public audience and once again it would make your work much more compelling.

Once again, thank you for your Commonplace submission. Your efforts are appreciated, valued, and have the potential to be Commonplace work. However, because it is not timely compelling or relevant, at this time your work must be rejected. Consider my suggestions and decide personally how you can improve your work. Best of luck.

Sincerely,

Peer Reveiwer

Title: High Voltage

Date: 05/26/2011

Decision: Revise and submit

Dear Devoted Writer,

First of all, thanks for getting the chance for reading your paper. This is the right time to write about Oil rates in this bad economy. The goal that you intended to be attained has been accomplished through your arguments. However, you have to improve you analytical skills, if you use those in your essay. In the beginning, you make use of your sense of humor to give an interesting start, such as” when first getting into a car one puts on their seat belt, checks the radio to make sure some music is on”. By using sentence as, “For many college students, like myself, filling my vehicle up at four dollars a gallon not only is painful to see the price continue to roll up but also is a huge drain on my bank account”. You made soundly relation between college students and oil prices. I prefer your essay to read as a student essay who wrote an easy for his own interest. Because, you didn’t achieved milestones that were needed for a commonplace platform to be achieved. Because of following reason, I would say that improve your analytical skills and revise your essay according to following instruction.

As you have introduced three companies’ names as General Motors, Nissan and Toyota in you discussion of high oil prices for your word on electric car. The sentence in you sixth paragraph, “Americans are creative enough to make the change to the electric vehicle” conflicts with companies’ name. Toyota and Nissan are Japanese companies, and as you make reference to Toyota as a leader in developing hybrid cars since the 2000’s in The United State shows Japanese company’s (Toyota) technological technical growth over time. Your words, American are creative enough is not linkable with the Japanese companies Nissan and Toyota’s. It doesn’t show creativity of Americans, because of lack of evidences which makes it less compelling. The commonplace is the place for all undergraduate students of English no matter what nation they belong to. But you address Americans student that makes your argument irrelevant to commonplace audience.

You would not have written the sentence like “In Toyota’s second year of producing the Prius their sales increased by 200%, now that’s incredible” because it doesn’t support you argument on electric machine; it goes beyond the beliefs. The essay’s tone reflects logos and pathos. But I didn’t see any ethos tone in your essay. These impressions lack the compellingness of commonplace essay. The Second line of your second paragraph, “alternatively fueled vehicle is ugly” is more generalized statement. The fuel itself is broad term. It includes renewable sources. But you criticize fuel as ugly one. I think, replacement of fuel with word oil makes your essay more oriented toward your objective. One of the main reasons is to use electric cars or any other type of energy car is to get rid of pollution. To make your essay more compelling, you should provide evidence for air pollution, and how is it affecting our environment.

You lack compellingness and relevance of commonplace essay. However, you highlight the current topic which attracts audience. You should revise your essay and take a look on the points that i have discussed with you.

Sincerely,

.

Group 7 Memos

Memo 1

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies
Date: May 24, 2011
Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

I have read and evaluated your essay on Corporate Warfare. The argument that private military companies/ mercenaries should not be involved in our current war is very interesting. I cannot recommend your essay for submission for publication on Commonplace, but I do think that you have a topic that can eventually meet all requirements needed by Commonplace, once you have made some changes to your essay. The argument that you make is timely and relevant but not compelling. You make a clear argument that you do not think that private military contractors should not be used in today’s warfare, but it does not offer any contributions as to why these private military contractors are used in current war situations in the first place.

The argument that you make in your essay is that you do not think that private military contractors are necessary and are actually a major contributor to the cause of the war. You then bring up the private military contracting company “Blackwater”, and talk about the tour that was conducted in Iraq on September 17, 2007. This was the “Nisoor Square Massacre” that put the “Blackwater” team to blame for the numerous innocent Iraqi deaths and injured. Also in your essay you state that private military contractors are unnecessary and overly destructive. You then go on to say that these private military contractors are involved in the current wars for their own monetary gain, and that, for the most part; they have no formal military training. This brings up a good point in that they cannot be as effective as the formal enlisted military.

The first part of your essay that I think needs revision is your argument about how you do not think that private military companies are necessary. If you were to add more evidence to back up your argument, besides the Blackwater “Nisoor Square Massacre”, then I think that it would be more well rounded. Also if you could include some points as to why private military companies are in use today, that would make you seem more compelling to the CommonPlace audience. The in text citations in your essay are used a little too often. The use of the in text citations is necessary, but the frequent use in your essay detracts from the essay as compelling. It also puts your credibility in question. Another aspect of your essay that needs revision is the structure and “voice”. By that I mean you need to have more of a conversation with your readers and not be so formal. Remember, to be a well rounded candidate for CommonPlace, you need to be a little informal, but still assure your readers that you know what you are talking about. Repetition is another weakness to your essay. Stating that the private military contractors are overly armed and overly destructive, adds to downfall of your credibility. I think that if you added more facts and evidence to back up these claims, by talking more about situations in which the private military contractors have done a good job or were necessary in the end result of a battle, which would add to you sounding a little more unbiased in your essay. Also, if you were to add how the current enlisted military completes the mission without the help or use of any private military companies; this would be another way to become more compelling to the CommonPlace criterion. CommonPlace requires its’ contributors to not offend the readers. You don’t offend any readers in my opinion; however, you do come off a little strong in your argument. If you were to suggest empathy for the lives lost on both the Iraqi and American side of the war, it would make your use of pathos much clearer. I believe with the minor revisions to your essay, you would have a good chance of being accepted to CommonPlace as published author.

Sincerely,

Your Peer Reviewer

Memo 2

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies

Date: 5/24/2011

Decision: Accepted with minor revisions

Dear Commonplace author,

Thank you for allowing me to read your paper. It is very evident that you spent a vast amount of time researching and writing your essay. I was never really familiar with private military companies and Blackwater operations, but after reading your paper, I feel fairly well-acquainted with the topic. I heavily recommend your paper for publication on Commonplace, it is timely, relevant, and compelling – your essay clearly resonates within the Commonplace community. However your essay does need a few minor revisions in order for it to move onto the next step towards Commonplace publication.

Your overall argument is of how private military companies are detrimental to war efforts and are irresponsible forces. One of the most important pieces of evidence your provided to support your argument included the Nisoor Square massacre. This argument is a clear example of using compelling evidence, specifically pathos. By discussing the wrenching details of Blackwater shooting student Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie, his mother, and countless innocent civilians, you have directly appealed to the audience’s emotions. You used logos when explaining how contractors do not receive the same training that the military goes through and they are not bound to the same military code. This evidence is logical in the sense that it explains how contractors are vastly different from actual soldiers in the military. Your essay is timely as well because it is about events that are happening in the world today. It is also timely because it is persuasive and it changes people’s opinions on what they originally thought to be true. (Private military companies were once thought to be good, but through your paper it is evident that they are poisoning our military system.) With interesting facts about the inhumanness of Blackwater, you have appealed to the Commonplace audience. But the one Commonplace criterion that your paper is lacking is “relevancy”. How do private companies affect us college students? What impact does this have?

The main suggestion that I have for you is to include other infamous military companies that are corrupt. While your example of Blackwater is an excellent one, it would also help support your paper if you included other unethical companies as well. “Just after noon, a car driven by…Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother approached Nisoor square. Before actually entering the square, a gunner on one of the armored vehicles opened fire on the car striking Ahmad in the head, killing him instantly. The vehicle continued rolling into the square. At this point, all of the Blackwater vehicles were firing at will into the square. A rocket-propelled grenade was fired at the car causing it to explode and engulf into flames, killing Ahmad’s mother. Civilians began to flee but were gunned down….They also determined that the cars the other victims were using had the back windows shot out, but not the windshields, indicating they were fired upon as they were attempting to escape the square.” I was in shock and pure disbelief when I read this. I couldn’t even imagine such a crime and tragedy like this even happening. It might be helpful to add citations to make this a more powerful statement. They seem to be lacking when you were discussing the atrocities of Blackwater.

The biggest component that you’re missing in your paper is using your own voice. What are your thoughts on the immoral and unethical actions that companies have? Not only will this help strengthen your essay, but it will also clarify your stand on this issue. It will also aide your paper if you could expand on how contractors lack the formal discipline of a regular soldier and how they are not bound by the military code, as well as how they are paid more than soldiers.

As for your conclusion, it seems as if you have added some information that was not contained in your paper before, such as how, “Contractors are heavily armed brutes that are not bound by military code, and operate in the “grey zone” of the law.” I would suggest that you add this information into the previous paragraph. It would also be beneficial if you explain in more detail how they operate in the “grey zone.”

I hope you find my suggestions helpful as you move on to the next step of revising for publication and I look forward to reading your paper on Commonplace.

Sincerely,

Your fellow Commonplace editor

Memo 3

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies

Date: 05/27/2011
Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

Thank you for offering this chance to read your well constructed essay. Your essay brings audiences to an unknown hidden world about the reality of the private military companies. I think your essay is timely and compelling, however is not relevant. So I suggest you Revise and Resubmit your essay.

Your overall argument is that private military companies, or called mercenaries, should be replaced by our disciplined formal military. Because they are irresponsible, destructive and, motivated by personal benefit and not as formal or well trained like traditional military and sometimes they follow their personal judgment and emotions but not conduct. Supporting your argument, your first provide 14 separate shooting incidents been done in Iraq and then talk about one specific case caused by Blackwater, where” One of the most controversial shooting events that occurred during Backwater’s tour in Iraq was the Nisoor square massacre that occurred on September 17, 2007… Civilians began to flee but were gunned down. ” . By discussing the evidence that even though “Blackwater said it fired strictly in defense”, however the evidences studied by US First Cavalry Division indicate that there are no other armed force other than Blackwater itself. Furthermore, use details to claim that actually victims are escaping from the are instead of against Blackwater militaries.

This essay is timely because the topic that military problems are pays much more attention to after 9/11 and US spend a great of money on Iraq and caused many problems in Iraq. Publics blame all the problems to US armies. However publics do not know much about what happened in there. This essay offered clear information about the unknown fact that may loom up public attention and ring an alarm for the employers who hire those private military companies.

At the same time this essay also compelling by using details. For example, there are no AK-47 shell casing but only US made shell casing used by Blackwater, indicates that the Black water company is the only fire resource and the other detail that cars the other victims were using had the back windows shot out, but not the windshields, indicates that the victims are trying to escape instead of trying to against the Black water forces, which convinces audiences that the this incident is merely caused by Blackwater itself not any Iraq military forces. By providing example of Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother, let audiences feel like this is a real accident happened around us, without doubting the reality of this event.

However, even though offering an example of college students Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother, this essay doesn`t show the relevance. Seems that the main argument has nothing relates this phenomenon to the audiences, who are mostly young people among 18-25. Also, doesn`t pay attention to the college students related to the private military.

Here I have few suggestions may improve your claim.

1. The sentence “Of the roughly 20 private military companies operating around the world, “Blackwater USA” has created an almost infamous reputation for itself.” This seems that you may want to enforce that the bad reputation of Blackwater, but his may cause audiences to think that Blackwater is only private military company in the world and what happened to them is just a rarely case not all of the private company are like Blackwater.

2. In the fourth paragraph, you claim that the college student Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother were killed by incident, want to relate this phenomenon to college students who are the major audiences of common places, but this doesn`t make sense providing such a case suddenly will let audiences think about that you are meaning to relate to college students on purposely.

3. Relate your topic to college students may be helpful in relevance and can think about how this will influence college students because many college students go to military after college.

Again, this is a really interesting manuscript essay, and I hope you find my suggestions helpful as you revise for publication on Commonplace.

Sincerely,

Memo 4

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies

Date: May 24, 2011

Revision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author,

Thank you for giving me the chance to read your paper on the mercenary’s involvement in the United States military. You bring up very good points and claims to support your opinion in your favor. However, after reading your essay, it is timely and compelling, but I think it is best that you revise and resubmitted your paper for Commonplace admission.

Your overall argument in your paper is that military mercenaries are irresponsible and illegitimate and that they should be eliminated from the military or replaced but other forms of military services. You also argue that these contractors have no place in our military and are just causing more problems and trouble we have to deal with. You go on to give examples from the Blackwater USA. You back your claim up by saying, “the company has developed a lot of controversy after a series of documents were leaked concerning the war in Iraq. They brought to light many of the abuses committed by Blackwater. The documents outlined 14 separate shooting incidents committed by Blackwater employees, in which there were a total of ten civilian casualties and seven others wounded (Glanz).” With this overview you go on to explain a specific incident in Iraq and what war committed crimes were done. By the end of your work you come to the conclusion that private military companies should be excluded and taken out of our military and have no place on the battle field.

This being said there are some revisions that can be make to improve your paper to give it a better chance of being submitted on to Commonplace.

1. Your paper isn’t relevant. One of the Commonplace requirements is that your piece be timely, compelling, and relevant. You do a good job being timely, talking about an event that is currently going on in the world. Also, you bring up a point that is actually a problem people and the military have to deal with. Your article is compelling when you give good example to back up your claims and remain creditable. Where you paper lacks is being relevant. Through you writing you don’t connect to your audiences or establish who they are. Relevant means to connect and attract readers into reading your paper. The audience of Commonplace is college students and the public. When writing you should consider them and what they want to read and how you can make your writing more appealing to them. When your piece is more relevant it is easier to persuade your audience to believe your side or your argument.

2. The beginning of your essay is what brings your author in, and attracts them to keep reading. You start you paper off by saying, “The term “Private Military Company,” is a relatively newly coined term to describe one of the oldest professions in history, the mercenary. A mercenary, in its most basic definition, is simply a soldier for hire.” This doesn’t appeal to all audiences and doesn’t bring them into to want to read more. Hook the audience in by relating your topic to them and make them want to keep going on to find out more.

3. In you second paragraph you talk about the Geneva Convention and what it means to be a mercenary. This is all very good information but the way it is written is very confusing and contains too much information at once. Being a person who it not familiar with military mercenary’s I got lost in this part. Take some time to explain your self and put it in a way any audience reading can understand.

4. After you talk about the incident with the Blackwater, it would be helpful to explain the consequences of their acts. Explain what the military and the United State had to go through because of the action. You do a good job illuminating their attack now go further and tell about the result and what it cost the military.

I hope you find some of my suggestion helpful, and help your papers opportunity to be submitted on to Commonplace. This is a very interesting paper and you bring up many good points to make people reconsider their thoughts on the United States mercenary.

Sincerely,

Your Peer Editor

Group 5 Memos

Memo 1

Title: Globalization: Blessing or Curse?

Date: 05/24/2011

Decision: Reject

Dear Author,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your essay about Globalization. Unfortunately, I have decided to reject your essay because it is not Timely or Relevant, and is only slightly Compelling.

I have had trouble deciding what the argument of this essay is. At first, it seems as if your argument is debating whether or not globalization is a positive or negative aspect of our daily life. It is unclear which side you stand on, however, because in the first paragraph, you give details that seem to be positive, but then change your viewpoint to state why the reader may have a preconceived idea about globalization being negative. After this, you change your argument again to say that globalization is inevitable but it is also unclear what it will bring. This essay is not Timely because it does not have a clear argument. On the other hand, if the argument is that globalization is making a difference in the world and we cannot stop it, I think this is heading towards a Timely argument. My suggestion to make this essay more Timely is to decide whether or not globalization is negative or positive and then use evidence to back up your argument, keeping it the same throughout the entire essay.

This article lacks Relevance. Yes, it is important for the world to be aware of the fact that globalization is happening, however it is unclear from your essay who your target audience it is. It seems as if the target audience is mostly someone who is already aware of globalization and its effects, based on the way you used your evidence. In the second paragraph, you mention that “As college students, we have to worry about our future because of decreasing job opportunities.” However, you only back this up with the sentence before it stating that American jobs are decreasing. If you included more reasons why globalization is something that affects college students, your essay would target the commonplace audience more accurately. For example, maybe include something other than just potential jobs that are being taken away. I personally do not know anything about the effects of globalization, just as most college students would not. Another way to make your essay more Relevant is to not assume that people know very much about globalization and add in some background evidence.

If you add in this evidence, your essay will become much more Compelling. There are a few points in your essay where you incorporate a bit of evidence, such as reference to the United Nations in the 5th paragraph, and relating globalization to the recession. This is a good start to appealing to ethos. However, I would suggest adding maybe one or two more sources that will back up your point. By adding in more evidence, not only will you seem more credible as the author, but your point will seem to be more concrete. Not only will adding more evidence appeal to ethos, but it will also appeal to logos. It will appeal to logos because it is adding more logical reasoning behind your argument. Your essay does a good job of appealing to pathos. For instance, you use the words negative, and disasters. By using words with strong connotations such as these, it makes the reader feel as if your argument is worth reading. However, you need to remember that just using these words does not make your argument Timely.

Overall, your essay needs to appeal more to the three CommonPlace criteria. The first step is to choose an argument that is clear, and also that is Timely. After that, you should back it up with many sources and make sure to appeal to pathos, logos, and ethos. While doing so, just make sure you are writing it while targeting a college audience, and your essay will be golden! Thank you again for the opportunity to read and review your essay.

Sincerely,

Your peer editor

Memo 2

Title: Globalization: Blessing or Curse?

Date: 5/24/11

Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author,

Thank you for taking the time and energy to type and submit an essay for Commonplace publication. Globalization is happening at an amazingly quick rate, and technology continues to grow faster and faster for some countries. It is understandable to be a little worried that the United States might be overrun by these quickly developing countries. This article is very relevant and compelling, but the timeliness is slightly off at times. With revisions, this could be a Commonplace article.

You argue that globalization could possibly be both a good and a bad thing. You give several examples in your first paragraph on how globalization helps the world grow and how convenient it is to be in contact with virtually anyone when we want to be, no matter the distance. In the second paragraph, you stated the bad side of globalization. You mentioned how we would be more prone to attack, less advanced in technology, less employed, and overall overtaken by growing countries such as China.

You did a very good job showing how relevant globalization is for the audience. As college students, we are all very concerned about the situation will be with jobs when we graduate. According to your paper, globalization is a possible problem for students like us, and you give sufficient proof as to why it may be. In addition, as Americans we have all felt the sting of the 9/11 attacks in one way or another. You blame part of this on globalization, which is very possible. America is becoming less safe and it is much more possible that we will experience attacks on our land due to advancements in other societies. If you were to mention the other reasons why these attacks happen in addition, it could possibly be more credible.

The main problem with your article in my opinion is the fact that you give no real potential solutions to globalization. You claim that it is irreversible and we will have to deal with it, but you provide no real resolution. I understand that there is no real known solution at this time for the problems of globalization, but that point should be emphasized in your argument.

I also believe you could have provided more details in some areas. As for the quick growth of China, I think you should explain the advancements they have been making in the past few decades and how they are making greater strides than most other countries. You should also explain what kind of “sophisticated science and technology” that put out country at the top of the technological world. Most of the more advanced technology college students know of is in game systems that come from overseas. They do not know the advancements in the technological field we have made as a country.

Overall, your essay is compelling and relevant, but lacks timeliness in some areas. I think if you add in minor details that would give the audience sufficient information, the essay would make much more sense. The beauty is the fact that not much work has to be done. You make valid points and give proof, but you need a little more proof. With careful revision, you could resubmit this article for a better chance.

Sincerely,

Memo 3

Title: Globalization: Blessing or Curse?

Date: 5/27/2011
Decision: Rejected

Dear Author:

Thank you for the opportunity to read your argument on how globalization affects the world we live in today and the world we will live in tomorrow. I think your essay is timely due to the fact that globalization affects everyone including all college students, maybe even more so than other demographics because of the diversity of a college environment. Your essay is lacking in relevance and a clear compelling argument, which is, unfortunately, why I cannot accept this essay according to the requirements of Commonplace.

I understand the main argument you are presenting to be that globalization is going to happen and continue to happen and we cannot stop this trend from happening, but there are ways that we can stay ahead as a country and deal with globalization to the best of our ability. In support of your argument, you claim that we need to focus on our responsibility to, “assist underdeveloped countries for better development.” Another point made is, “in order to stay ahead, we have to give priority to education and universities, even though we are in a difficult economic environment.” You do emphasize that we can make the best of this situation by continuing to do the good things globalization brings to our society and working to limit the negative affects globalization has upon everyone.

Let’s begin with the introduction of your essay. As I read through the introduction the first thing I notice is the use of multiple questions in the first half of the introduction. Asking questions can be a great way to relate to your audience. Although, having this many and in succession of one another immediately in the beginning of the introduction is probably not the best route to grab the reader’s attention. These questions do have some relevancy to the topic at hand but are not proposed in the best way to relate to all college students. Many college students attend small universities or community colleges where issues such as diversity and integration of elements drawn from the Asian culture are not pressing issues. Try to think about how every individual college student across America would be able to understand and relate to the info that is provided to them throughout the course of your paper. Also, in the latter part of the introduction it says, “Consequently, because of these extensive and intensive globalization processes, we can communicate regardless of how far away we are from each other; we can travel to almost anywhere in the world; and we can do business in different countries and regions.” This statement may be true but the introduction of the paper needs to give your basic view of what you would like argue throughout the paper. Ask yourself, was I arguing in support of the fact that we can communicate, travel and conduct business anywhere in the world because of globalization? Or were you trying to focus more on arguing how we can better the inevitable concept of globalization?

In paragraph two you give a different perspective of globalization. This is a very good idea as it allows the reader to view your argument from multiple angles to gather together his or her own view by the end of the essay.

As I read through paragraph three and on, I noticed that your argument had changed or at least taken a more direct path to what you were really trying to get your reader to understand by the end of the essay. The common point that all of these paragraphs make is the fact that globalization is happening no matter what. Therefore, the best option we have is to be prepared and work to better globalization. For example, at the end of paragraph three you say, “In other words, the key is to adapt to the new environment, keep an optimistic mind to meet the challenge, and exert ourselves to remain leaders in the world. Although the challenge is fierce and huge, we can do a better job under the context of globalization.” Your argument at the beginning of the paper was rather unclear. Whereas, in paragraph three and the rest of your paper you argue ways we can stay ahead and combat globalization. Initiate your argument from the beginning of the paper and continue to support it throughout the essay.

Lastly, work is greatly needed on grammar. There are numerous grammatical errors in your paper that need to be fixed in order for those errors to not detract from the paper as a whole.

Thanks again for the opportunity to critique your essay.

Best,

Peer Editor

Group 4 Memos

Memo 1

Title: Homophobia in our Generation

Date: 05/27/2011

Decision: Accept with Revisions

Dear Author,

Thank you for the chance to read such an eye opening and informative piece, which your essay clearly was. I chose to accept your work for many reasons, the topic being the first. Your observations of homophobia throughout your life are, in my opinion, very accurate within many heterosexual people of our generation. I particularly feel that you portrayed your claims on homophobia well when you gave a lengthy description on how your perception changed throughout the years and your ability to point out your parents view on the parade is essential to breaking the chain of hate in which your paper is all about and for that I applaud you. Your work, overall, is an exceptional piece and therefore I have decided that the paper should be accepted but first it must be revised to clear out any kinks.

While I did, as a reader, enjoy this paper's topic, as an editor, I ask that you remember that I would like to see you revise to a certain extent. I must point out the flaws that are present within your work, no matter how few. This of course, will only make your paper that much more strong and thus make your argument more attractive to your readers.

So, with that said, here are my concerns and other impressions that I have had with your paper thus far:

1. While your paper, in the majority, is well written and well worded, there are a few grammatical errors that I feel could be cleared up if you do a few read-throughs. Grammatical errors may not seem like a big deal in many cases but with an argumentative paper such as yours, you must remember that errors weaken your argument, just as a politicians speech would be if he or she had errors. An example of this from your paper would be when you are speaking about your “child's mind” in the first paragraph. This is, for a second, confusing and that second of after thought takes the reader away from the topic of the paper. A better way of wording this could possibly be, “my mind as a child” or something of that nature in which your purpose of that sentence is clear and unquestionable.

2. The three objectives to the paper that Commonplace has demanded are that your paper be timely, relevant, and compelling. There is no question that this paper is relevant or compelling to the audience of Commonplace. What little concern that I do have is with whether the paper is timely or not. I feel that while the topic at hand is very much a current issue in our generation, the way in which you wrote your paper is not as timely as might be preferred when an essay is chosen for Commonplace. Throughout much of the paper you speak of homophobia in a past tense focus. This makes your paper feel somewhat like more of a historical paper than an argumentative one. What I ask of you is that you make an effort to argue your point earlier on in the paper to avoid any conflict with the demand for timeliness from Commonplace.

3. While your use of past stories from your life make timeliness an obstacle, they do help in a different aspect and should not be completely stricken from the paper. There are three rhetoric pillars, ethos, pathos, and logos, that must be used when writing an argumentative essay. You start your essay right off with a strong example of ethos in your story of your childhood. This story also gives you a credibility on the argued topic. Pathos is the use of emotion to gain favor on your side of the argument. You did this by speaking of the boy who committed suicide due to gay bullying. My biggest concern with this paper is the lack of logos used. While the paper is logically written, you use very little logical evidence throughout the work. Though the use of logos is a must in all argumentative papers, it is not as crucial in an essay that is geared toward college students and can possibly take away from the chances of the paper being compelling to that targeted audience. I feel that if a little more logos was instilled into this paper then you would find a favorable balance.

4. I would lastly like to commend you on the flow of the paper. Your essay was a very easy read and I only rarely lost track while reading, those times being grammatical issues, of which I already touched on.

As I have said, your paper was well written and thought provoking. I hope to see your essay on Commonplace in the future. Thank you for the chance to read such an interesting piece.

Sincerely,

47S004

Memo 2

Title: Homophobia in Our Generation

Date: 05/27/11
Decision: Submit with Minor Revisions

Author,

I would like to thank you for writing such a bold essay. I very much enjoyed reading it. I do agree with your statement: “We have moved onto an enlightened homophobic era where we accept the surface of homosexuality but not the whole lifestyle.” So true, I agree with your statement and how people see the lifestyle and feel uncomfortable. But if people are exposed to it and more accepting, then people can see it for what it really is: just a person living their life, but they just so happen to love a man or woman of the same sex. Your article overall is good but needs a little work it is compelling, timely, but not relevant.

I do not think your article is relevant because I think you flip flop with your ideal audience. At times you write as if you are talking to a college age. For instance, when you give modern day examples for us to relate to. But then when you start talking about your personal experience and technology it seems like you are trying to get an older generation comfortable with homosexuality. So consider who your ideal audience is and focus on it. When it comes to commonplace your audience is college students, think about how they are ideal and in what ways they can be persuaded to make a difference.

This topic is timely because you have an actual argument and within the argument there is a purpose. And that purpose is for people to stop judging so harshly on people just because their lifestyle is not the same as yours. And when discussing Modern Family and Glee you are telling the audience that this has helped shift views and has challenged people’s stance on gays. And as it reads in commonplace, making an argument like this is do-able. And people can be easily convinced.

In relation to compelling your writers voice is creditable and fits the ethos requirement. Given your stance, personal experiences, age, and knowledge of this topic in the media gives you an exceptional creditably.

As stated in Commonplace compelling is evidence and you do give a lot of evidence such as:

1. Your own personal experience

2. Discussing homosexual public figures and there representations in TV

3. Bullying and giving the example of Tyler Clementi as well as “It Gets Better “ campaign

· When you talk about the “It Gets Better” campaign you say how anyone can submit a video. I have seen many of these videos and to be more relevant in this aspect talk about how celebrities like Lady Gaga, Perez Hilton, and Adam Lambert submitted videos to Youtube telling young teens or anyone feeling down, that it does get better.

As far as ways you can improve your article I can offer the following advice:

1. Make the beginning of your paper stronger. The first two paragraphs could use some work. I understand what you are trying to say but it does not ready easy. Some of the wording at times is awkward for example when you discuss your father it is wordy, consider revising that. Also when you describe your time in the Catholic school and the description of your teacher is a hard read as well.

2. Mainly in the beginning of your paper you go from past tense to present. And I think fixing this can help your paper read easier.

3. I think you should elaborate some more about gay marriage because you kind of jus throw it out there at the end of your article and then go right into the last sentences of your conclusion. So either take it out all together or talk about it in its own paragraph and lengthen your conclusion

Overall I think this is a wonderful paper. That has the ability to open a college students eyes to the homosexual lifestyle that happens in 2011, whether people snub their nose up to it or not. I think this paper should be submitted with minor revisions, and within those minor revisions paying close attention to who your ideal audience is.

Sincerely,

Your peer editor

Memo 3

Title: Commonplace essay

Date: May 24, 2011

Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

Thank you for letting me read your essay on how homosexuality has opened to society overtime and how ignorance affects the LGBT community today. Your essay has strong potential, although I cannot recommend your submission for publication to Commonplace. I think your is essay is timely and relevant. Today we are in fact transitioning as a society on how we perceive the gay community and it is a topic that would attract the commonplace audience. You have a clear ideal audience and your perspectives help grab the readers attention. However, your arguments and evidence can be better supported in able to become more persuasive and appealing to the commonplace audience. Your have written a solid essay overall, but you still have some potential areas to improve, for this I recommend for you to revise and resubmit your paper.

Your argument is that people are opening to the LGBT society but there are still many who don’t accept the homosexual lifestyle. Ignorance on people as well, has affected the lives of those who are part of the LGBT community. To support your argument you use three main examples: Your personal experience on a catholic school on how your teacher church values conflict with moral values as of how to treat the LG community. Second, you argue on how society has spoke out against homophobia through television shows involving gay characters. At last the death of Tyler Clementi and how the exposure of his sexual preference led the college student to commit suicide due to social bullying.

That said, I have several questions and suggestions that could improve your essays and chances for acceptance into Commonplace.

1. You provide great evidence with the statistic on how 70% of students believe gay marriage should be legal. You should consider using this statistic throughout the body of your essay or maybe add other similar, it would make your essay more compelling. Search for other evidence that could be used in your essay in order to convince the audience to support your point of view. Remember that strong evidence is what makes people buy your argument.

2. You introductory sentence is not very clear. I would suggest rephrasing your statement (Using the word “I” repeatedly may distract the reader on what you are trying to say) . Perhaps a quote or a shocking statistic might help grab your audience attention better.

3. Explain to the audience what “North Side Fourth of July Parade” is. Many might no be familiar with the LGBT festivals or community at all. As you mention before, ignorance is a big part of today’s problems towards the LGBT community, many might not understand this the same way you do.

4. I would suggest you to revise the relevancy of mentioning “My limping, gray, ‘looks like a nun but she’s married’ sort of teacher …”. Is it important to mention your teacher was limping and gray? Is it rude?

5. I would suggest on paragraph 2 to use “gay marriage and their lifestyles” instead of “gay marriage and the gay lifestyle”

6. Be careful on how you engage towards people who do not support gay marriage or their lifestyles. On your sentence “bible-beating preachers who yell “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” are now perceived as crazy by the public” think of a way to clarify better both sides of the situation. There are many people who morally believe the same way the church does, meaning that men and women are the way god intended to be. You may want to revise your tone when speaking to that audience, the phrase “crazy public “might not be the appropriate way to communicate for those who argue differently. Your goal should be to convince this people to buy your argument and support.

7. On paragraph 3 you mention how the “increasing technology” have kept things less private. This claim does not fit with your further examples on television shows likes Glee or Ellen DeGeneres. You might want to provide some evidence on how technology have influence homosexual perception.

8. I would suggest to rephrase on paragraph 4 the sentence “He was so humiliated by the video and the mockery that his roommate and roommate’s friend…”.

9. On paragraph 5 make you mention Dan Savage. You would like to mention a little bit more about him? Why is he relevant in this situation? People may not be familiar with the character the same way you are.

10. The last 3 sentences of paragraph 5 can be a little distracting by overusing the word “Understanding”. The sentences “….could lead to understanding. Understanding is what is truly needed for homosexuality to be completely accepted. Understanding can lead people….” should be revised.

11. The transition from paragraph 6 to 7 is unclear and confusing. It gives the sense that your were interrupted after “Now, however we are in college the time to make our decision.” Add a couple of sentences that would ease your transition to the concluding paragraph.

I would like to acknowledge the effort you’ve put into your essay. Your general argument is well understood. Your evidence is solid but I would suggest incorporating evidence that might grab more the reader’s attention. Statistics or facts may help set build stronger arguments. I strongly suggest you to view the web page of Parent Families and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (see note at the end) this may provide very interesting facts and statistics that may help you build a better and well supported argument. Remember that strong evidence is what’s going to get the reader to believe in your arguments and ultimately support your point of view; personal experiences can complement strong and relevant evidence in your essay. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your paper. I hope you find my suggestions valuable in your process as you revise your essay for further publication in Commonplace.

Sincerely,