Group 1
Memo 1
Title: The Crime of Capitalism
Date: 05/24/2011
Decision: Revise and Resubmit
First of all, I would like to thank you for writing such a compelling piece. Privatization of prison is a very big issue in the
First of all, your essay was timely, compelling, but was not really relevant. Your audience seems to be the taxpayer population, which is just about everyone. Your essay is about privatization of prisons, which is a very controversial issue. A huge number of people will agree with you, and a huge number of people will not. You’ve addressed the fact that it is morally wrong to profit from the labor of prison inmates, but morality may be interpreted as a different way to your audience. You’ve said that it cost about 20,000 dollars to house and take care of inmates every year in the government prison system, which is a lot of money spent on inmates. Obviously the general public wants to get rid of unnecessary spending, and inmates seem like the perfect population to use for economic growth. The majority of American people believe that inmates are evil people who don’t deserve the luxury of free housing (The prison system may be better than what they previously were in), so it doesn’t make sense to a lot of us on why prisoners deserve this after some of them may have committed horrible crimes, which may question their humanity. Companies, however morally wrong they are, cut the cost that the government is forced to pay. This alone may end your argument because some people do view the money aspect over the morality, especially when we are discussing prisoners. Even though this may be wrong to just about anyone, what other way can we cut the cost of housing, feeding, and clothing prisoners? Discuss another way we could cut the cost without losing our moral integrity by letting others profit from them. Should they work for these companies, and the profits are donated to charities?( what company would want to take that on?) Address other ways.
I am not asking for you to change your argument, but all I am asking is for you to do some more modification to it. Why, besides morality, do the American people support non-privatization of the prison system? Also, I would like to add more references on why privatization is wrong. You could refer to the amount of money these companies are making from the system, what tax breaks they may receive, etc. I think this will help strengthen your main argument, which I believe is the morality of privatization of prisons. Besides this, I would like to praise your introduction. It clearly grabbed my attention as I began reading the essay. This, coupled with your ending, helps take the focus of the negative economic effect that the state funded penitentiaries bring to the table. Also at the ending, you said something about that this is not a political debate, but it is. I think this is your way of removing some of the counter arguments from the subject, but this may backfire. But since your article relies on the morality of the issue, it may work for the population of your audience that does not identify with the political spectrum, which is great, but you’ve got to remember that many people in your audience do identify with a political group. This may create a disconnection because even if we do believe that this is morally wrong, this is an issue on the ballot. It is involved in the political spectrum, and many things are morally wrong, but we continually support them. In some cases, our troops aren’t allowed to engage when we see injustice going on around the world, particularly in
I have said that your essay was timely and compelling, but I would like to talk about why your essay was timely and compelling. Your essay was timely because this is an issue that is widely discussed in the media, and has been a big subject matter addressed in the recent elections. It was also timely because this is something that we as a people can completely disregard as an option, or we can look to it for some financial relief. It was compelling, because you had a valid argument, and you supported it in any which way you could. Your essay definitely got me thinking, and will most definitely get the readers thinking as well. However, your essay may create a rift between your audience and you. If you wish to keep this a morality issue, I suggest you introduce the psychology against it. You do not have enough evidence to support your argument, and I’ve said before evidence such as maybe the tax breaks these companies receive or something that makes us despise these companies will definitely help. This will help you make your argument more relevant to the readers.
Sincerely,
Memo 2
Title: The Crime of Capitalism
Date: 5/24/2011
Decision: Accept with minor revisions
Dear Author:
Thank you for submitting your essay to Commonplace and allowing me the the opportunity to review your work. I found your essay on the privatization of prisons in the capitalist United States to be an interesting and thought provoking read, and it is my recommendation that your manuscript be accepted to Commonplace with minor revisions.
In your essay you are critical of capitalism and how it has influenced the privatizing of prisons in the United States. This is a timely topic because more and more prisons are going from state and federal run to being run by a private company. We hear in the news all the time about over-crowding in prisons and about the United States having the highest percentage of citizens incarcerated, so this is a topic that people should at least be somewhat familiar with.
Your essay is relevant because there are more private prisons now than ever before. If ever there is a time to start making changes then it would be now. Your essay had me intrigued from the beginning, especially with the title “The Crime of Capitalism,” because United States citizens rarely think of their own economic model as one that does wrong.
I found your essay to be compelling because you use emotional prompts to catch and hold the attention of the audience. Who would disagree with a line like “Now imagine a small number of wealthy investors getting paid huge sums to create such a tormented population. Almost makes you feel sick to your stomach, doesn't it?” The figure about Republicans' approval rating dipping below 40% for the first time since Ohio Governor Kasich's election as a result of his stance on private prisons demonstrates that perhaps the public has had enough.
ñI believe that your argument in the second to last paragraph is a great selling point for your essay and would strongly appeal to the Commonplace audience. College students are notoriously liberal, and I believe that if you added more supporting details, or elaborated a bit on why private prisons are a bad idea because they essentially try and “recruit” inmates, that you could persuade more readers to your point of view. Also, for as strong as an argument I believe you may have here, I think having it come earlier in your essay would be a good idea. You don't want the strongest argument of your to not even be read because the reader may have lost interest in your essay before this point.
ñYour conclusion contains a call to action with the line “The American people hold a strong stance on the issue and should continue to reject it in the future.” I like this line, however, I think that explicitly stating how the average American can help derail the push for private prisons would be a good addition to your paper. Some Americans believe that they don't really have a voice in such matters because of the heavy lobbying that goes on in Congress, so articulating a way for them to make an impact would help give some purpose to your essay and would be more instrumental in having the desired changes enacted.
ñIn your opening paragraph, you draw the reader in with lines like “Now imagine a small number of wealthy investors getting paid huge sums to create such a tormented population.” To me it seems like you are using global human rights to get your reader interested, but you then focus primarily on the privatizing of prisons. I'm not sure if you intended for your paper to be on the many “crimes” of capitalism, as your title suggests, or if you wanted to focus exclusively on prisons. I think your paper would be strengthened by at least touching on some other drawbacks to capitalism.
Your essay was a good read and kept me interested, and I'd like to see it accepted to Commonplace with a few alterations.
Sincerely,
Memo 3
Title: The Crime of Capitalism
Date: May 24, 2011
Decision: Revise and Resubmit
Dear Author,
Thank you for the chance to read your article on the idea of prison privatization. I have decided that this article is not ready for submission on commonplace for many reasons. Though the article is relevant and timely, the article isn’t compelling. Your credibility may also be questioned due to lack of supporting evidence to your claims.
The overall argument of your article seems to be that prison privatization is immoral and we as Americans should not allow it because of the consequences that will follow. You supported this argument in the third paragraph which states “Allowing private investors to make decisions that cut the privileges of inmates’ even further can and will lead to flagrant injustices in penitentiaries.” You also supported your argument in the fourth paragraph which states “Minimum prison sentences will be increased, minor drug offenders will be imprisoned instead of fined, and in the ultimate form of corruption innocent people will be persecuted” to show how not only prisoners but also the American public will suffer from private privatization. From this argument I understand that you are trying to convince the voting public to say no to prison privatization so that we don’t suffer from these consequences.
That said I have some suggestions that could help better you’re your article for acceptance by Commonplace.
1. Your argument is timely and relevant, I believe this idea of prison privatization is something that the Commonplace audience should hear about, given that we are voters and should be informed about current issues that could affect the country in the long run.
2. This argument though timely isn’t very compelling. In the third paragraph you state that “First and foremost, the system suggests using people against their will to gain corporate profit” but you do not cite where you got this statement from. You also make the claim that if prisons are turned over to private investment companies, they will seek to increase profits by “This means they need to run more prisons, which requires more prisoners. Essentially, this leads to private companies “recruiting” prisoners.” These statements are made with no citation of where you are getting this information so commonplace readers may have trouble finding this article as credible. This also causes the article to lack persuasion which from your introduction was a purpose of your article, to make sure we as Americans understand the consequences of prison privatization and keep it from happening.
3. Also throughout this article you make statements like “Clearly you do not know these hypothetical people. You have no knowledge of their past, their occupation, their families, or anything else. You simply know that they are people and should not be treated as though they are anything less.” It may be a good idea to leave the last sentence as an open question for your audience to answer. This will open you up more to your audience and make them feel involved in your argument.
4. In the third paragraph I suggest the first sentence of this paragraph “So what exactly is it about prison privatization that puts prisoners at risk of gross injustices?” should exclude the word and replace it with a better descriptive word like unpleasant or disgusting. The word “gross” in this sentence doesn’t seem to accurately describe the conditions at which the prisoners would be subject to if prison privatization was a reality.
5. You end almost every paragraph with a statement about Americans for example the last sentence of the third paragraph states “It’s clearly not the prospect of saving money that repulses Americans; it’s the idea of profiting from the suffering of others.” This seems to take away from the article because you are making a statement for all Americans which seem to make your article lack credibility because you are speaking for everyone, and everyone may not exactly share these exact feelings.
Sincerely,
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