Memo 1
Title: Is Nuclear Energy Safe?
Date: May 24, 2011
Decision: Revise and Resubmit
Dear Author,
Thank you for writing this paper. I did not know very much on the realities of nuclear energy and I found that you have a very interesting view on it. Your essay is timely. You have presented an actual current topic; with the earthquake in Japan being recent this issue is still on many people’s minds. Your essay is compelling in that you use statistical evidence and some textual evidence, however I would like to see more evidence that directly pertain to some of your claims. Your topic is relevant, seeing as this is a real world issue. Your topic addresses current issues, which I believe the commonplace audience will find interesting and intriguing. I truly believe your essay was relevant enough to keep my attention, and seeing as I am not extremely interested in nuclear energy, I still found it interesting and refreshing to read.
Here are some suggestions that I believe may help your paper:
· Your essay has a clear argument that is stated without doubt in your first paragraph, “As difficult as it may be to believe, nuclear energy is safe and reliable and it can provide a cleaner Earth for us to live in.” You state clearly here your opinion and claim, although it would be great if you added more introductory evidence to support this claim more in the introduction. It’s clear you are trying to convince the author on the positives of nuclear energy and I would say you had me convinced by the end of your paper.
· Although you are trying to convince your audience of the positive aspects of nuclear energy, you also want to show both sides of nuclear energy, and maybe place some negative aspects of the use of nuclear energy. Although your essay is very convincing in your claims, you also want the reader to form some opinion of their own off contrasting evidence you give, and not just nuclear energy is good and that’s all.
· Your paragraph that is explaining the Terawatt, “According to ExternE, a research project of the European Commission, energy from coal is responsible for the most deaths per Terawatt hour at 161 deaths per TWh.”, where you use statistical evidence, it may help to explain more of what the Terawatt is for the commonplace audience, because it is not a well known term. This will help your relevancy.
· On your second page you make the statement, “These statistics prove that nuclear power is one of the safest forms of energy.” Your essay is four pages long, and at this point, just after the statistical claims, I was not convinced that it was the safest form of energy, so maybe change this sentence into a more general statement, so as not to place such high claims, after simple statistics. This would help to make your essay more compelling.
· On your second page the paragraph that refers to effects on the environment that begins with, “If you are still not convinced that nuclear energy is safe you might also like to know that nuclear energy has a minimal impact on the environment.” it may be better to add some more textual evidence here that adds proof to your claims. Stating how it doesn’t give off greenhouse gases is good, but maybe you can point out other environmental aspects it doesn’t harm that other energy sources harm. Also pointing out the effects it does have on the environment would be helpful to contrast some of your ideas. This would aid in your claims how it is one of the most environmental friendly energies.
· In your conclusion paragraph you should elaborate more on the Japan nuclear energy crisis. Or maybe add a paragraph before the conclusion, stating more on what went on in Japan’s nuclear energy plant after the earthquake. “The nuclear meltdown in Japan should not worry you; there are many problems with other sources of energy that you should really worry about.” You have not placed the full length of what went on in Japan after the earthquake at the nuclear plant, and I believe this would help your essay to be compelling. You are not being credible by making this argument, and not placing enough evidence on everything that happened at the Japan nuclear plant. I believe giving more evidence of what happened would help the reader to make up their own mind on the topic. Although it may pose as a negative towards your argument, because it is not stated, it is hard for the reader to form their own personal opinion.
· I enjoyed your ending sentence; I feel as though it has a lot of claim and petition. “If you want a safer and cleaner source of energy then support the use of nuclear energy, in return of your support you will receive a cleaner Earth.”
I enjoyed reading your paper and believe if you add more evidence and length it would be helpful to your essay. Adding contrast to your claims will also allow the reader to form their own opinion. I hope all of my comments and suggestions are helpful to you, and wish you the best of luck.
Memo 2
Title: Is Nuclear Energy Safe?
Date: 5/24/2011
Decision: Revise and Revisit
Dear Author,
Thank you so much for presenting a current issue in society that effects everyone around that today. The argument that nuclear power is a cleaner and safer source of energy than other sources of energy like oil, coal and even wind energy, is a compelling one. However, how you present and support your argument’s claims hurt your argument. Your argument’s relevancy to the Commonplace audience also needs work. Your essay is timely because you present a real and pressing issue in today’s society. I recommend a revise and revisit.
The argument you present in your essay that nuclear power is cleaner and safer to human life than alternate forms of energy like coal and oil is compelling; paired with society’s attitude today to clean up the earth and find alternate power sources makes your argument more compelling. Since global warming and the energy crisis has become more and more major political and global issues; your argument makes itself compelling by relying on this current issues in society’s mind. The way you further rely on the political aspect of your argument by mentioning how President Obama thinks nuclear power is the way of the future for clean energy use helps support your argument. But with that mentioned many of your claims made don’t have the same support as your main argument. Also you don’t explain how relevant this issue is to the Commonplace audience and what they should do with this information. The way you introduce your argument also could be worked on. With this said, I have a few suggestions that could improve your essay.
1. In the introduction the sentence “In a world where people are afraid of change and scared of the unknown” doesn’t make sense. Where is your support to this claim? Generalization like this can really turn people off to a topic and to include it in your introduction can really hurt the reader’s interest. Also the claim that nuclear power has been sturdy rising since 2001 isn’t supported or explained how it’s been raising.
2. Later in your essay you claim a nuclear meltdown isn’t as bad as people think. You give examples how nuclear power isn’t deadly compared to other energy sources. A nuclear power plant and nuclear bombs can be closely associated in people’s minds so you need to differentiate the two from one another. But just because something isn’t deadly doesn’t mean it isn’t harmful to people. With the assumption that all people care about is the deadliness of nuclear power makes your argument narrow minded. The examples you give about the meltdown in Japan after the earthquake doesn’t necessarily support that people are afraid to die from nuclear power but they are more afraid of the fallout of the meltdown. Focus more on how nuclear power isn’t harmful and deadly.
3. Your claims about the effects of nuclear power plant meltdowns on the health of the environment aren’t supported at all by any creditable resource. The main concern for people about nuclear power is the effects on the environment. Although you do mention the issue of the environmental effects and try to support; you don’t clearly support it with any clear creditable evidence. This can seriously hurt the creditability of your essay. I suggest finding resources to support your claims and research your subject more.
4. The relevancy of the issue of nuclear power to the Commonplace audience is loss during your essay. Although the issue is current and in the news, you don’t tie in why and how it relates to the Commonplace audience. You don’t tell what should be or could be done to help mend the problem you are trying to argue. It would help to explain why or how this issue relates to the Commonplace audience.
Again, I thank you for your insight to the current issue of nuclear power. I hope these suggestions help you write an essay that will be accepted by Commonplace.
Sincerely,
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