Group 7 Memos

Memo 1

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies
Date: May 24, 2011
Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

I have read and evaluated your essay on Corporate Warfare. The argument that private military companies/ mercenaries should not be involved in our current war is very interesting. I cannot recommend your essay for submission for publication on Commonplace, but I do think that you have a topic that can eventually meet all requirements needed by Commonplace, once you have made some changes to your essay. The argument that you make is timely and relevant but not compelling. You make a clear argument that you do not think that private military contractors should not be used in today’s warfare, but it does not offer any contributions as to why these private military contractors are used in current war situations in the first place.

The argument that you make in your essay is that you do not think that private military contractors are necessary and are actually a major contributor to the cause of the war. You then bring up the private military contracting company “Blackwater”, and talk about the tour that was conducted in Iraq on September 17, 2007. This was the “Nisoor Square Massacre” that put the “Blackwater” team to blame for the numerous innocent Iraqi deaths and injured. Also in your essay you state that private military contractors are unnecessary and overly destructive. You then go on to say that these private military contractors are involved in the current wars for their own monetary gain, and that, for the most part; they have no formal military training. This brings up a good point in that they cannot be as effective as the formal enlisted military.

The first part of your essay that I think needs revision is your argument about how you do not think that private military companies are necessary. If you were to add more evidence to back up your argument, besides the Blackwater “Nisoor Square Massacre”, then I think that it would be more well rounded. Also if you could include some points as to why private military companies are in use today, that would make you seem more compelling to the CommonPlace audience. The in text citations in your essay are used a little too often. The use of the in text citations is necessary, but the frequent use in your essay detracts from the essay as compelling. It also puts your credibility in question. Another aspect of your essay that needs revision is the structure and “voice”. By that I mean you need to have more of a conversation with your readers and not be so formal. Remember, to be a well rounded candidate for CommonPlace, you need to be a little informal, but still assure your readers that you know what you are talking about. Repetition is another weakness to your essay. Stating that the private military contractors are overly armed and overly destructive, adds to downfall of your credibility. I think that if you added more facts and evidence to back up these claims, by talking more about situations in which the private military contractors have done a good job or were necessary in the end result of a battle, which would add to you sounding a little more unbiased in your essay. Also, if you were to add how the current enlisted military completes the mission without the help or use of any private military companies; this would be another way to become more compelling to the CommonPlace criterion. CommonPlace requires its’ contributors to not offend the readers. You don’t offend any readers in my opinion; however, you do come off a little strong in your argument. If you were to suggest empathy for the lives lost on both the Iraqi and American side of the war, it would make your use of pathos much clearer. I believe with the minor revisions to your essay, you would have a good chance of being accepted to CommonPlace as published author.

Sincerely,

Your Peer Reviewer

Memo 2

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies

Date: 5/24/2011

Decision: Accepted with minor revisions

Dear Commonplace author,

Thank you for allowing me to read your paper. It is very evident that you spent a vast amount of time researching and writing your essay. I was never really familiar with private military companies and Blackwater operations, but after reading your paper, I feel fairly well-acquainted with the topic. I heavily recommend your paper for publication on Commonplace, it is timely, relevant, and compelling – your essay clearly resonates within the Commonplace community. However your essay does need a few minor revisions in order for it to move onto the next step towards Commonplace publication.

Your overall argument is of how private military companies are detrimental to war efforts and are irresponsible forces. One of the most important pieces of evidence your provided to support your argument included the Nisoor Square massacre. This argument is a clear example of using compelling evidence, specifically pathos. By discussing the wrenching details of Blackwater shooting student Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie, his mother, and countless innocent civilians, you have directly appealed to the audience’s emotions. You used logos when explaining how contractors do not receive the same training that the military goes through and they are not bound to the same military code. This evidence is logical in the sense that it explains how contractors are vastly different from actual soldiers in the military. Your essay is timely as well because it is about events that are happening in the world today. It is also timely because it is persuasive and it changes people’s opinions on what they originally thought to be true. (Private military companies were once thought to be good, but through your paper it is evident that they are poisoning our military system.) With interesting facts about the inhumanness of Blackwater, you have appealed to the Commonplace audience. But the one Commonplace criterion that your paper is lacking is “relevancy”. How do private companies affect us college students? What impact does this have?

The main suggestion that I have for you is to include other infamous military companies that are corrupt. While your example of Blackwater is an excellent one, it would also help support your paper if you included other unethical companies as well. “Just after noon, a car driven by…Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother approached Nisoor square. Before actually entering the square, a gunner on one of the armored vehicles opened fire on the car striking Ahmad in the head, killing him instantly. The vehicle continued rolling into the square. At this point, all of the Blackwater vehicles were firing at will into the square. A rocket-propelled grenade was fired at the car causing it to explode and engulf into flames, killing Ahmad’s mother. Civilians began to flee but were gunned down….They also determined that the cars the other victims were using had the back windows shot out, but not the windshields, indicating they were fired upon as they were attempting to escape the square.” I was in shock and pure disbelief when I read this. I couldn’t even imagine such a crime and tragedy like this even happening. It might be helpful to add citations to make this a more powerful statement. They seem to be lacking when you were discussing the atrocities of Blackwater.

The biggest component that you’re missing in your paper is using your own voice. What are your thoughts on the immoral and unethical actions that companies have? Not only will this help strengthen your essay, but it will also clarify your stand on this issue. It will also aide your paper if you could expand on how contractors lack the formal discipline of a regular soldier and how they are not bound by the military code, as well as how they are paid more than soldiers.

As for your conclusion, it seems as if you have added some information that was not contained in your paper before, such as how, “Contractors are heavily armed brutes that are not bound by military code, and operate in the “grey zone” of the law.” I would suggest that you add this information into the previous paragraph. It would also be beneficial if you explain in more detail how they operate in the “grey zone.”

I hope you find my suggestions helpful as you move on to the next step of revising for publication and I look forward to reading your paper on Commonplace.

Sincerely,

Your fellow Commonplace editor

Memo 3

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies

Date: 05/27/2011
Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

Thank you for offering this chance to read your well constructed essay. Your essay brings audiences to an unknown hidden world about the reality of the private military companies. I think your essay is timely and compelling, however is not relevant. So I suggest you Revise and Resubmit your essay.

Your overall argument is that private military companies, or called mercenaries, should be replaced by our disciplined formal military. Because they are irresponsible, destructive and, motivated by personal benefit and not as formal or well trained like traditional military and sometimes they follow their personal judgment and emotions but not conduct. Supporting your argument, your first provide 14 separate shooting incidents been done in Iraq and then talk about one specific case caused by Blackwater, where” One of the most controversial shooting events that occurred during Backwater’s tour in Iraq was the Nisoor square massacre that occurred on September 17, 2007… Civilians began to flee but were gunned down. ” . By discussing the evidence that even though “Blackwater said it fired strictly in defense”, however the evidences studied by US First Cavalry Division indicate that there are no other armed force other than Blackwater itself. Furthermore, use details to claim that actually victims are escaping from the are instead of against Blackwater militaries.

This essay is timely because the topic that military problems are pays much more attention to after 9/11 and US spend a great of money on Iraq and caused many problems in Iraq. Publics blame all the problems to US armies. However publics do not know much about what happened in there. This essay offered clear information about the unknown fact that may loom up public attention and ring an alarm for the employers who hire those private military companies.

At the same time this essay also compelling by using details. For example, there are no AK-47 shell casing but only US made shell casing used by Blackwater, indicates that the Black water company is the only fire resource and the other detail that cars the other victims were using had the back windows shot out, but not the windshields, indicates that the victims are trying to escape instead of trying to against the Black water forces, which convinces audiences that the this incident is merely caused by Blackwater itself not any Iraq military forces. By providing example of Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother, let audiences feel like this is a real accident happened around us, without doubting the reality of this event.

However, even though offering an example of college students Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother, this essay doesn`t show the relevance. Seems that the main argument has nothing relates this phenomenon to the audiences, who are mostly young people among 18-25. Also, doesn`t pay attention to the college students related to the private military.

Here I have few suggestions may improve your claim.

1. The sentence “Of the roughly 20 private military companies operating around the world, “Blackwater USA” has created an almost infamous reputation for itself.” This seems that you may want to enforce that the bad reputation of Blackwater, but his may cause audiences to think that Blackwater is only private military company in the world and what happened to them is just a rarely case not all of the private company are like Blackwater.

2. In the fourth paragraph, you claim that the college student Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother were killed by incident, want to relate this phenomenon to college students who are the major audiences of common places, but this doesn`t make sense providing such a case suddenly will let audiences think about that you are meaning to relate to college students on purposely.

3. Relate your topic to college students may be helpful in relevance and can think about how this will influence college students because many college students go to military after college.

Again, this is a really interesting manuscript essay, and I hope you find my suggestions helpful as you revise for publication on Commonplace.

Sincerely,

Memo 4

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies

Date: May 24, 2011

Revision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author,

Thank you for giving me the chance to read your paper on the mercenary’s involvement in the United States military. You bring up very good points and claims to support your opinion in your favor. However, after reading your essay, it is timely and compelling, but I think it is best that you revise and resubmitted your paper for Commonplace admission.

Your overall argument in your paper is that military mercenaries are irresponsible and illegitimate and that they should be eliminated from the military or replaced but other forms of military services. You also argue that these contractors have no place in our military and are just causing more problems and trouble we have to deal with. You go on to give examples from the Blackwater USA. You back your claim up by saying, “the company has developed a lot of controversy after a series of documents were leaked concerning the war in Iraq. They brought to light many of the abuses committed by Blackwater. The documents outlined 14 separate shooting incidents committed by Blackwater employees, in which there were a total of ten civilian casualties and seven others wounded (Glanz).” With this overview you go on to explain a specific incident in Iraq and what war committed crimes were done. By the end of your work you come to the conclusion that private military companies should be excluded and taken out of our military and have no place on the battle field.

This being said there are some revisions that can be make to improve your paper to give it a better chance of being submitted on to Commonplace.

1. Your paper isn’t relevant. One of the Commonplace requirements is that your piece be timely, compelling, and relevant. You do a good job being timely, talking about an event that is currently going on in the world. Also, you bring up a point that is actually a problem people and the military have to deal with. Your article is compelling when you give good example to back up your claims and remain creditable. Where you paper lacks is being relevant. Through you writing you don’t connect to your audiences or establish who they are. Relevant means to connect and attract readers into reading your paper. The audience of Commonplace is college students and the public. When writing you should consider them and what they want to read and how you can make your writing more appealing to them. When your piece is more relevant it is easier to persuade your audience to believe your side or your argument.

2. The beginning of your essay is what brings your author in, and attracts them to keep reading. You start you paper off by saying, “The term “Private Military Company,” is a relatively newly coined term to describe one of the oldest professions in history, the mercenary. A mercenary, in its most basic definition, is simply a soldier for hire.” This doesn’t appeal to all audiences and doesn’t bring them into to want to read more. Hook the audience in by relating your topic to them and make them want to keep going on to find out more.

3. In you second paragraph you talk about the Geneva Convention and what it means to be a mercenary. This is all very good information but the way it is written is very confusing and contains too much information at once. Being a person who it not familiar with military mercenary’s I got lost in this part. Take some time to explain your self and put it in a way any audience reading can understand.

4. After you talk about the incident with the Blackwater, it would be helpful to explain the consequences of their acts. Explain what the military and the United State had to go through because of the action. You do a good job illuminating their attack now go further and tell about the result and what it cost the military.

I hope you find some of my suggestion helpful, and help your papers opportunity to be submitted on to Commonplace. This is a very interesting paper and you bring up many good points to make people reconsider their thoughts on the United States mercenary.

Sincerely,

Your Peer Editor

Group 5 Memos

Memo 1

Title: Globalization: Blessing or Curse?

Date: 05/24/2011

Decision: Reject

Dear Author,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your essay about Globalization. Unfortunately, I have decided to reject your essay because it is not Timely or Relevant, and is only slightly Compelling.

I have had trouble deciding what the argument of this essay is. At first, it seems as if your argument is debating whether or not globalization is a positive or negative aspect of our daily life. It is unclear which side you stand on, however, because in the first paragraph, you give details that seem to be positive, but then change your viewpoint to state why the reader may have a preconceived idea about globalization being negative. After this, you change your argument again to say that globalization is inevitable but it is also unclear what it will bring. This essay is not Timely because it does not have a clear argument. On the other hand, if the argument is that globalization is making a difference in the world and we cannot stop it, I think this is heading towards a Timely argument. My suggestion to make this essay more Timely is to decide whether or not globalization is negative or positive and then use evidence to back up your argument, keeping it the same throughout the entire essay.

This article lacks Relevance. Yes, it is important for the world to be aware of the fact that globalization is happening, however it is unclear from your essay who your target audience it is. It seems as if the target audience is mostly someone who is already aware of globalization and its effects, based on the way you used your evidence. In the second paragraph, you mention that “As college students, we have to worry about our future because of decreasing job opportunities.” However, you only back this up with the sentence before it stating that American jobs are decreasing. If you included more reasons why globalization is something that affects college students, your essay would target the commonplace audience more accurately. For example, maybe include something other than just potential jobs that are being taken away. I personally do not know anything about the effects of globalization, just as most college students would not. Another way to make your essay more Relevant is to not assume that people know very much about globalization and add in some background evidence.

If you add in this evidence, your essay will become much more Compelling. There are a few points in your essay where you incorporate a bit of evidence, such as reference to the United Nations in the 5th paragraph, and relating globalization to the recession. This is a good start to appealing to ethos. However, I would suggest adding maybe one or two more sources that will back up your point. By adding in more evidence, not only will you seem more credible as the author, but your point will seem to be more concrete. Not only will adding more evidence appeal to ethos, but it will also appeal to logos. It will appeal to logos because it is adding more logical reasoning behind your argument. Your essay does a good job of appealing to pathos. For instance, you use the words negative, and disasters. By using words with strong connotations such as these, it makes the reader feel as if your argument is worth reading. However, you need to remember that just using these words does not make your argument Timely.

Overall, your essay needs to appeal more to the three CommonPlace criteria. The first step is to choose an argument that is clear, and also that is Timely. After that, you should back it up with many sources and make sure to appeal to pathos, logos, and ethos. While doing so, just make sure you are writing it while targeting a college audience, and your essay will be golden! Thank you again for the opportunity to read and review your essay.

Sincerely,

Your peer editor

Memo 2

Title: Globalization: Blessing or Curse?

Date: 5/24/11

Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author,

Thank you for taking the time and energy to type and submit an essay for Commonplace publication. Globalization is happening at an amazingly quick rate, and technology continues to grow faster and faster for some countries. It is understandable to be a little worried that the United States might be overrun by these quickly developing countries. This article is very relevant and compelling, but the timeliness is slightly off at times. With revisions, this could be a Commonplace article.

You argue that globalization could possibly be both a good and a bad thing. You give several examples in your first paragraph on how globalization helps the world grow and how convenient it is to be in contact with virtually anyone when we want to be, no matter the distance. In the second paragraph, you stated the bad side of globalization. You mentioned how we would be more prone to attack, less advanced in technology, less employed, and overall overtaken by growing countries such as China.

You did a very good job showing how relevant globalization is for the audience. As college students, we are all very concerned about the situation will be with jobs when we graduate. According to your paper, globalization is a possible problem for students like us, and you give sufficient proof as to why it may be. In addition, as Americans we have all felt the sting of the 9/11 attacks in one way or another. You blame part of this on globalization, which is very possible. America is becoming less safe and it is much more possible that we will experience attacks on our land due to advancements in other societies. If you were to mention the other reasons why these attacks happen in addition, it could possibly be more credible.

The main problem with your article in my opinion is the fact that you give no real potential solutions to globalization. You claim that it is irreversible and we will have to deal with it, but you provide no real resolution. I understand that there is no real known solution at this time for the problems of globalization, but that point should be emphasized in your argument.

I also believe you could have provided more details in some areas. As for the quick growth of China, I think you should explain the advancements they have been making in the past few decades and how they are making greater strides than most other countries. You should also explain what kind of “sophisticated science and technology” that put out country at the top of the technological world. Most of the more advanced technology college students know of is in game systems that come from overseas. They do not know the advancements in the technological field we have made as a country.

Overall, your essay is compelling and relevant, but lacks timeliness in some areas. I think if you add in minor details that would give the audience sufficient information, the essay would make much more sense. The beauty is the fact that not much work has to be done. You make valid points and give proof, but you need a little more proof. With careful revision, you could resubmit this article for a better chance.

Sincerely,

Memo 3

Title: Globalization: Blessing or Curse?

Date: 5/27/2011
Decision: Rejected

Dear Author:

Thank you for the opportunity to read your argument on how globalization affects the world we live in today and the world we will live in tomorrow. I think your essay is timely due to the fact that globalization affects everyone including all college students, maybe even more so than other demographics because of the diversity of a college environment. Your essay is lacking in relevance and a clear compelling argument, which is, unfortunately, why I cannot accept this essay according to the requirements of Commonplace.

I understand the main argument you are presenting to be that globalization is going to happen and continue to happen and we cannot stop this trend from happening, but there are ways that we can stay ahead as a country and deal with globalization to the best of our ability. In support of your argument, you claim that we need to focus on our responsibility to, “assist underdeveloped countries for better development.” Another point made is, “in order to stay ahead, we have to give priority to education and universities, even though we are in a difficult economic environment.” You do emphasize that we can make the best of this situation by continuing to do the good things globalization brings to our society and working to limit the negative affects globalization has upon everyone.

Let’s begin with the introduction of your essay. As I read through the introduction the first thing I notice is the use of multiple questions in the first half of the introduction. Asking questions can be a great way to relate to your audience. Although, having this many and in succession of one another immediately in the beginning of the introduction is probably not the best route to grab the reader’s attention. These questions do have some relevancy to the topic at hand but are not proposed in the best way to relate to all college students. Many college students attend small universities or community colleges where issues such as diversity and integration of elements drawn from the Asian culture are not pressing issues. Try to think about how every individual college student across America would be able to understand and relate to the info that is provided to them throughout the course of your paper. Also, in the latter part of the introduction it says, “Consequently, because of these extensive and intensive globalization processes, we can communicate regardless of how far away we are from each other; we can travel to almost anywhere in the world; and we can do business in different countries and regions.” This statement may be true but the introduction of the paper needs to give your basic view of what you would like argue throughout the paper. Ask yourself, was I arguing in support of the fact that we can communicate, travel and conduct business anywhere in the world because of globalization? Or were you trying to focus more on arguing how we can better the inevitable concept of globalization?

In paragraph two you give a different perspective of globalization. This is a very good idea as it allows the reader to view your argument from multiple angles to gather together his or her own view by the end of the essay.

As I read through paragraph three and on, I noticed that your argument had changed or at least taken a more direct path to what you were really trying to get your reader to understand by the end of the essay. The common point that all of these paragraphs make is the fact that globalization is happening no matter what. Therefore, the best option we have is to be prepared and work to better globalization. For example, at the end of paragraph three you say, “In other words, the key is to adapt to the new environment, keep an optimistic mind to meet the challenge, and exert ourselves to remain leaders in the world. Although the challenge is fierce and huge, we can do a better job under the context of globalization.” Your argument at the beginning of the paper was rather unclear. Whereas, in paragraph three and the rest of your paper you argue ways we can stay ahead and combat globalization. Initiate your argument from the beginning of the paper and continue to support it throughout the essay.

Lastly, work is greatly needed on grammar. There are numerous grammatical errors in your paper that need to be fixed in order for those errors to not detract from the paper as a whole.

Thanks again for the opportunity to critique your essay.

Best,

Peer Editor

Group 4 Memos

Memo 1

Title: Homophobia in our Generation

Date: 05/27/2011

Decision: Accept with Revisions

Dear Author,

Thank you for the chance to read such an eye opening and informative piece, which your essay clearly was. I chose to accept your work for many reasons, the topic being the first. Your observations of homophobia throughout your life are, in my opinion, very accurate within many heterosexual people of our generation. I particularly feel that you portrayed your claims on homophobia well when you gave a lengthy description on how your perception changed throughout the years and your ability to point out your parents view on the parade is essential to breaking the chain of hate in which your paper is all about and for that I applaud you. Your work, overall, is an exceptional piece and therefore I have decided that the paper should be accepted but first it must be revised to clear out any kinks.

While I did, as a reader, enjoy this paper's topic, as an editor, I ask that you remember that I would like to see you revise to a certain extent. I must point out the flaws that are present within your work, no matter how few. This of course, will only make your paper that much more strong and thus make your argument more attractive to your readers.

So, with that said, here are my concerns and other impressions that I have had with your paper thus far:

1. While your paper, in the majority, is well written and well worded, there are a few grammatical errors that I feel could be cleared up if you do a few read-throughs. Grammatical errors may not seem like a big deal in many cases but with an argumentative paper such as yours, you must remember that errors weaken your argument, just as a politicians speech would be if he or she had errors. An example of this from your paper would be when you are speaking about your “child's mind” in the first paragraph. This is, for a second, confusing and that second of after thought takes the reader away from the topic of the paper. A better way of wording this could possibly be, “my mind as a child” or something of that nature in which your purpose of that sentence is clear and unquestionable.

2. The three objectives to the paper that Commonplace has demanded are that your paper be timely, relevant, and compelling. There is no question that this paper is relevant or compelling to the audience of Commonplace. What little concern that I do have is with whether the paper is timely or not. I feel that while the topic at hand is very much a current issue in our generation, the way in which you wrote your paper is not as timely as might be preferred when an essay is chosen for Commonplace. Throughout much of the paper you speak of homophobia in a past tense focus. This makes your paper feel somewhat like more of a historical paper than an argumentative one. What I ask of you is that you make an effort to argue your point earlier on in the paper to avoid any conflict with the demand for timeliness from Commonplace.

3. While your use of past stories from your life make timeliness an obstacle, they do help in a different aspect and should not be completely stricken from the paper. There are three rhetoric pillars, ethos, pathos, and logos, that must be used when writing an argumentative essay. You start your essay right off with a strong example of ethos in your story of your childhood. This story also gives you a credibility on the argued topic. Pathos is the use of emotion to gain favor on your side of the argument. You did this by speaking of the boy who committed suicide due to gay bullying. My biggest concern with this paper is the lack of logos used. While the paper is logically written, you use very little logical evidence throughout the work. Though the use of logos is a must in all argumentative papers, it is not as crucial in an essay that is geared toward college students and can possibly take away from the chances of the paper being compelling to that targeted audience. I feel that if a little more logos was instilled into this paper then you would find a favorable balance.

4. I would lastly like to commend you on the flow of the paper. Your essay was a very easy read and I only rarely lost track while reading, those times being grammatical issues, of which I already touched on.

As I have said, your paper was well written and thought provoking. I hope to see your essay on Commonplace in the future. Thank you for the chance to read such an interesting piece.

Sincerely,

47S004

Memo 2

Title: Homophobia in Our Generation

Date: 05/27/11
Decision: Submit with Minor Revisions

Author,

I would like to thank you for writing such a bold essay. I very much enjoyed reading it. I do agree with your statement: “We have moved onto an enlightened homophobic era where we accept the surface of homosexuality but not the whole lifestyle.” So true, I agree with your statement and how people see the lifestyle and feel uncomfortable. But if people are exposed to it and more accepting, then people can see it for what it really is: just a person living their life, but they just so happen to love a man or woman of the same sex. Your article overall is good but needs a little work it is compelling, timely, but not relevant.

I do not think your article is relevant because I think you flip flop with your ideal audience. At times you write as if you are talking to a college age. For instance, when you give modern day examples for us to relate to. But then when you start talking about your personal experience and technology it seems like you are trying to get an older generation comfortable with homosexuality. So consider who your ideal audience is and focus on it. When it comes to commonplace your audience is college students, think about how they are ideal and in what ways they can be persuaded to make a difference.

This topic is timely because you have an actual argument and within the argument there is a purpose. And that purpose is for people to stop judging so harshly on people just because their lifestyle is not the same as yours. And when discussing Modern Family and Glee you are telling the audience that this has helped shift views and has challenged people’s stance on gays. And as it reads in commonplace, making an argument like this is do-able. And people can be easily convinced.

In relation to compelling your writers voice is creditable and fits the ethos requirement. Given your stance, personal experiences, age, and knowledge of this topic in the media gives you an exceptional creditably.

As stated in Commonplace compelling is evidence and you do give a lot of evidence such as:

1. Your own personal experience

2. Discussing homosexual public figures and there representations in TV

3. Bullying and giving the example of Tyler Clementi as well as “It Gets Better “ campaign

· When you talk about the “It Gets Better” campaign you say how anyone can submit a video. I have seen many of these videos and to be more relevant in this aspect talk about how celebrities like Lady Gaga, Perez Hilton, and Adam Lambert submitted videos to Youtube telling young teens or anyone feeling down, that it does get better.

As far as ways you can improve your article I can offer the following advice:

1. Make the beginning of your paper stronger. The first two paragraphs could use some work. I understand what you are trying to say but it does not ready easy. Some of the wording at times is awkward for example when you discuss your father it is wordy, consider revising that. Also when you describe your time in the Catholic school and the description of your teacher is a hard read as well.

2. Mainly in the beginning of your paper you go from past tense to present. And I think fixing this can help your paper read easier.

3. I think you should elaborate some more about gay marriage because you kind of jus throw it out there at the end of your article and then go right into the last sentences of your conclusion. So either take it out all together or talk about it in its own paragraph and lengthen your conclusion

Overall I think this is a wonderful paper. That has the ability to open a college students eyes to the homosexual lifestyle that happens in 2011, whether people snub their nose up to it or not. I think this paper should be submitted with minor revisions, and within those minor revisions paying close attention to who your ideal audience is.

Sincerely,

Your peer editor

Memo 3

Title: Commonplace essay

Date: May 24, 2011

Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

Thank you for letting me read your essay on how homosexuality has opened to society overtime and how ignorance affects the LGBT community today. Your essay has strong potential, although I cannot recommend your submission for publication to Commonplace. I think your is essay is timely and relevant. Today we are in fact transitioning as a society on how we perceive the gay community and it is a topic that would attract the commonplace audience. You have a clear ideal audience and your perspectives help grab the readers attention. However, your arguments and evidence can be better supported in able to become more persuasive and appealing to the commonplace audience. Your have written a solid essay overall, but you still have some potential areas to improve, for this I recommend for you to revise and resubmit your paper.

Your argument is that people are opening to the LGBT society but there are still many who don’t accept the homosexual lifestyle. Ignorance on people as well, has affected the lives of those who are part of the LGBT community. To support your argument you use three main examples: Your personal experience on a catholic school on how your teacher church values conflict with moral values as of how to treat the LG community. Second, you argue on how society has spoke out against homophobia through television shows involving gay characters. At last the death of Tyler Clementi and how the exposure of his sexual preference led the college student to commit suicide due to social bullying.

That said, I have several questions and suggestions that could improve your essays and chances for acceptance into Commonplace.

1. You provide great evidence with the statistic on how 70% of students believe gay marriage should be legal. You should consider using this statistic throughout the body of your essay or maybe add other similar, it would make your essay more compelling. Search for other evidence that could be used in your essay in order to convince the audience to support your point of view. Remember that strong evidence is what makes people buy your argument.

2. You introductory sentence is not very clear. I would suggest rephrasing your statement (Using the word “I” repeatedly may distract the reader on what you are trying to say) . Perhaps a quote or a shocking statistic might help grab your audience attention better.

3. Explain to the audience what “North Side Fourth of July Parade” is. Many might no be familiar with the LGBT festivals or community at all. As you mention before, ignorance is a big part of today’s problems towards the LGBT community, many might not understand this the same way you do.

4. I would suggest you to revise the relevancy of mentioning “My limping, gray, ‘looks like a nun but she’s married’ sort of teacher …”. Is it important to mention your teacher was limping and gray? Is it rude?

5. I would suggest on paragraph 2 to use “gay marriage and their lifestyles” instead of “gay marriage and the gay lifestyle”

6. Be careful on how you engage towards people who do not support gay marriage or their lifestyles. On your sentence “bible-beating preachers who yell “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” are now perceived as crazy by the public” think of a way to clarify better both sides of the situation. There are many people who morally believe the same way the church does, meaning that men and women are the way god intended to be. You may want to revise your tone when speaking to that audience, the phrase “crazy public “might not be the appropriate way to communicate for those who argue differently. Your goal should be to convince this people to buy your argument and support.

7. On paragraph 3 you mention how the “increasing technology” have kept things less private. This claim does not fit with your further examples on television shows likes Glee or Ellen DeGeneres. You might want to provide some evidence on how technology have influence homosexual perception.

8. I would suggest to rephrase on paragraph 4 the sentence “He was so humiliated by the video and the mockery that his roommate and roommate’s friend…”.

9. On paragraph 5 make you mention Dan Savage. You would like to mention a little bit more about him? Why is he relevant in this situation? People may not be familiar with the character the same way you are.

10. The last 3 sentences of paragraph 5 can be a little distracting by overusing the word “Understanding”. The sentences “….could lead to understanding. Understanding is what is truly needed for homosexuality to be completely accepted. Understanding can lead people….” should be revised.

11. The transition from paragraph 6 to 7 is unclear and confusing. It gives the sense that your were interrupted after “Now, however we are in college the time to make our decision.” Add a couple of sentences that would ease your transition to the concluding paragraph.

I would like to acknowledge the effort you’ve put into your essay. Your general argument is well understood. Your evidence is solid but I would suggest incorporating evidence that might grab more the reader’s attention. Statistics or facts may help set build stronger arguments. I strongly suggest you to view the web page of Parent Families and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (see note at the end) this may provide very interesting facts and statistics that may help you build a better and well supported argument. Remember that strong evidence is what’s going to get the reader to believe in your arguments and ultimately support your point of view; personal experiences can complement strong and relevant evidence in your essay. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your paper. I hope you find my suggestions valuable in your process as you revise your essay for further publication in Commonplace.

Sincerely,

Group 3 Memos

Memo 1

Title: New Age Media Love

Date: 5/27/11

Decision: Reject

Dear Author,

Let me first start off by thanking you for giving me the opportunity to peer review you paper. After reading over your piece, I believe that the argument that you are trying to make is a good one; however the way you go about stating your argument could be worded better. You’re argument would probably be easier to defend if it was something along the lines of, “The media has the potential to change some peoples lives for the better”. You essay is relevant but I’m not sure about it’s timeliness.

It would seem that the main argument that you are trying to defend in your paper is that the media is changing everybody’s lives for the better. Then the rest of you paper is you talking about how the media has impacted your life for the better through out many stages of your life. The main problem I see with your paper is that there are place where you tend to generalize. The way I will peer edit your paper is by breaking it down paragraph by paragraph.

1. Your intro paragraph wasn’t very compelling: you didn’t do/say much to intrigue me as a reader. You need a better attention grabber. Although you did a good job leading your introduction into a preliminary thesis, I feel like you could have done a better job trying to be compelling. Maybe start the paper off by talking about some interesting television shows, or maybe start the essay off with an attention grabbing question like, “Have you ever wondered how much modern media has affected our lives?” One last thing I saw about your intro paragraph was, your thesis sounded like it generalized way too much. It seems like you made a big generalization by saying that the media can improve everybody’s lives for the better. However this may be true for you, it may not be true for everybody else in all cases.

2. In your first paragraph you talk a lot about your younger years growing up watching television. You specifically mention spongebob as a character that you watched on TV. You talked about how spongebob was a show that helped people improve their lives for the better because it teaches people to be content with the way their life is. I feel as though this is a generalization. Because, again, not all children will view spongebob in the same way that you did.

3. In your second body paragraph you talk about how during your teenage years you learned a lot through television shows on MTV and other channels similar to it. You stated that watching is responsible for making you the social person you are today. Again although this maybe true for you I doubt it will hold true for everyone else who watches TV. Also in this paragraph that parent have lives and they don’t have the time to teach their children some of the things they learn through television. I’m not sure how much I agree with this claim because it seems that most parents these days do not want their children watching television constantly.

4. In your third body paragraph you talk about how television has given you a way to be informed about what is going on in the world without hearing about a bunch of depressing things. This paragraph you seemed to lose your argument. You started out by talking about how some news channels are boring, mundane, etc. This seems to be disputing your argument on how the media improves everyone’s lives for the better. So this paragraph confused me.

5. In your conclusion you stated all of your claims again, then you made a statement about the three stooges and about the Supreme Court Justices. You said more people knew the three stooges than the Supreme Court justices. Depending on how you look at this, it could be good or bad. For your argument it is good, however most people would probably view this as a bad thing.

I believe that your essay was too generalized in the way it tried to make its arguments. My advice to you is that, if you are going to do apiece on the media make it more specific. Make it something that you can back up with more solid evidence because most of your evidence was from your personal experience.

Sincerely,

Your Peer Reviewer

Memo 2

Title: New Age Media Love

Date: 05/26/2011
Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

Thank you for allowing me to review this paper and work on my skills as a peer editor. It was a very insightful piece, and I appreciated the points you made. Images you painted, and your points in general were wonderful, just very argumentative with each other. The paper needs a fair amount of work, but I think that with some good revisions, this paper could definitely be the type of paper commonplace is looking for.

Your descriptive wording in the first paragraph alone made me want to read this whole paper through, but finding a clear defined thesis was difficult. Your thesis seems to be that you want people to take a look at television shows throughout the ages and try to base their life a bit off of how the characters act. Then you seem to switch to an idea that the act of watching television prepared you for life. Finally, you take a sarcastic tone with the reader, and imply that the media is a mindless tool for entertainment that too many people use for the wrong reasons. You don't clearly define what your thesis is in the opening paragraph. With that said, they are definitely two very creative ideas, and I think you supported them pretty well. I liked your use of spongebob since I still watch it occasionally to this day, and have never looked at how he takes all of his failures in stride and manages to keep his fun-loving demeanor at all times. Your arguments are all very compelling as I can see how I followed a similar path, television is always timely but, due to your changing of writing styles, I don't believe it is written in a timely manner. Tying in the viewing of television to social aspects is also relevant to the commonplace audience.

Ideas for your revision:

- I think that one thing you should do is to combine your first two paragraphs or give at least a little example of what your thesis means. As I said earlier, it was difficult to find your thesis, but with an example explaining it, I think it would be greatly enhanced.

- You might want to lose the end of the spongebob paragraph. Saying that you should be content with however you end up in your life might not be the best end to a paragraph, or even a good idea in general. That seems to say that it's taught you not to have dreams. I would potentially bring in the episode where he and patrick meet King Neptune, and have the fry-cook battle. Then include how it shows that even though being a fry-cook isn't necessarily what he always wanted to do, he dreams big in whatever career, or situation he is in.

- In your MTV and Comedy Central paragraph, you say, “if it were not for television, I would be antisocial.” I do not necessarily agree. This takes away from your credibility as it is not 100% accurate. You could learn from many different sources, so instead suggest that it facilitated your socializing. I would also not answer your question which occurs a little later in that paragraph. Leaving it as a rhetorical question might engage the reader better and make the essay hit harder.

- At the end of your third paragraph you take a more sarcastic tone which makes me wonder if the whole paper was not sarcastic. You wrote, “Letting television shows take the responsibility of rearing a child is the only logical option.” This seems like a very over the top statement, and makes me question this whole paper. If this paper is sarcastic, you need to up the levels earlier. Your examples really help your thesis, but if it is sarcastic, they very much hurt the sarcasm by proving the opposite of your point.

- By the time I finished reading this paper I almost became angry. You had a point with the first part of this paper, and changed to a sarcastic tone against television by the end. If you are going to be sarcastic, you need to do it through the entirety of the paper and over exaggerate it. I would have stopped reading this on commonplace, if I were just reading the article for fun, due to the sudden change. You need to choose, either the sarcastic or the serious route, and stick with it. Either way could be a really good paper topic, but having both with the crossover in the middle makes this a bad essay.

Sincerely,

Commonplace Editor

Memo 3

Title: New Age Media Love
Date: 05/24/2011
Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear author,

It is a great pleasure for me to share your insights on the positive impacts of Media Age on this new generation that you belong. You demonstrated highly developed critical thinking skills in the analysis the influences of media and how it helped shape your moral values, social skills and enabled you to become an informed but also light-hearted member of the world. As a reader, I sense your profound fondness towards media through your words. However, I cannot recommend this essay for publication on Commonplace without further revision on your part.

In this article, you recounted your own story as evidences of the positive influences of media. As you stated, growing up with “sensory-overloaded” media programs as music numbers and flashing images, you developed the ability to concentrate on multiple things at the same time. As your personal experience has illustrated, media shaped your morally as an individual, protected you from the bleak outlook of turning into an antisocial by providing you with the opportunities to “sit down with your older siblings,” and how it sorted out entertaining news from dull, insipid programs like those of C-SPAN and PBS, entertained and informed you of the “small portion of” the world, as Taylor Swift’s latest news, which you actually care about. You expressed your love for the media and yearned for more of it.

You successfully focused your discussion on a timely topic. The title of this article, “New Age Media Love”, captured your audiences immediately. Your emotional expressions and usages of words as “love”, “amazing” and “blessing” clearly demonstrated that you actually cared about what you wrote. Your ideas are fresh and informing, and you used vivid personal anecdotes to tell the different side of the story. Your unique voice stands out among the prevailing criticisms of media influence and surely intrigued resonance in your audience who, like you, grew up in the media age. Not only did you pick a topic that concerned most people, your opinions surely made contribution to the ongoing conversation of media influence.

However, there is a lot to do to transform your argument into a compelling one. The manuscript is relevant to Commonplace’s audience; as an editor, I am also confident that your work targeted the ideal audience. The largest problem with this manuscript is the lack of solid evidences.

Throughout your argument, you used your personal experiences as the only source of evidences. I am not saying that personal anecdotes are unreliable evidences, but they are not powerful ones. You failed to establish your public persona. As a reader, I see no evidence that why your love for media necessarily proved that it is influencing people positively. You argument would be more compelling if you could persuade you audience of your credibility by some objective standards, for example, how do your teachers think of you? Are you well-adjusted in your college? Do other people think you are fearless, persistent and social as you claimed to be? It’s important to convince your audience that you are a reliable source if you were going to use your personal experiences as your primary evidences.

Also, avoid stating claims that are hard to prove. There are several places that you might want to fix in your revision.

1. In your third paragraph, you stated that “one could that that, if it were not for television, I would be antisocial.” This is a bold hypothesis, yet you provided inadequate evidences to back it up. You argued that it was the “simple interactions” as “sitting down and watch television” with your siblings that spared you of the risks of becoming antisocial. Without further evidences, I am not at all convinced that you would have become antisocial if you missed such interactions. To make this claim more compelling, you might find it helpful to explain in details how interacting with your siblings improved your social skills. Maybe it helps you learn how to do small talks? Or maybe it makes it less intimidating to hang out with people that are older than you? Providing further explanations.

2. In the same paragraph, you stated that because parents were often busy working, “letting television shows take the responsibility of rearing a child is the only logical option.” This is an arbitrary claim, while there is none evidence that could support it. How do you know that this is the “only” option? Have you examine other options like hiring private tutors and day care centers? Such claims would greatly undermine you credibility as the author. To solve this problem, you might want to consider modifying the claim, or back this up with compelling evidences that qualifies the Commonplace criterions as ethos, logos and pathos.

3. In the fourth paragraph, you stated that “I may not be grasping the seriousness of the different issues at hand, but why would I take life that serious? It’s only going to end soon, according to these mainstream news networks.” It might be greatly helpful if you could specify which mainstream news networks that you got such impression from, and explain why they may suggest such information.

4. In the second paragraph, you used the example of Spongebob to illustrate how media shaped you moral values and taught you life lessons. However, you might want to provide more context of the story of Spongebob. For now, as a reader, I cannot understand how the fact that he loves working at his local burger place and cannot pass the test to het his driver’s license can inspire you to be fearless. It would be great if you can explain your statement in details so to establish your credibility.

5. In the very last paragraph, you claimed that media made it easier for us to live day after day “in the depressing world.” As I mentioned above, you might find it helpful to explain to your audience why you think so, and from what basis you establish your argument and perspectives, because many people may not find such claims convincible.

To summarize, if you want your argument to be compelling to your audience, you have to find strong evidences to support them; and to qualify your statements as strong, you have to consider ethos, pathos and logos while constructing your thesis. You did a good job in applying pathos, but to get your essay presented to wider Commonplace audience, you might want to strengthen the ethos and logos.

The topic is certainly relevant to the audience, as we all live in the media age. However, in your enthusiastic eulogy of media, you somehow did not consider how your audience may respond to your claims. First of all, you failed to establish your credible public persona, as I mentioned in the beginning. Also, your argument is supported only by your personal experience, which has mainly two negative effects:

1. It distances the audience. It is hard to intrigue resonance in them using only your story. How can you ensure that you are representative of your generation? You should state evidences to show that you really are. Otherwise, this article can only be interpreted as your personal perspectives, and not to be generalized to a wider public.

2. Apart from explaining why you are representative of your generation, you might also want to avoid another negative effect of your narration: the lack of persuasive power. You explained in details how you grew under the influence of media and how it positively influenced you. The readers might ask, so what? You should convince your readers to care about your story, which is crucial, if you want to keep your own story as primary evidences. To adjust this problem, you might want to incorporate some objective statistics and authoritative comments about the positive effects of media on your generation; it doesn’t have to be long, but you should add them to the end of your argument to convince your audience that your story is somehow connected to the large picture.

Overall, the tone of the essay is appropriate for the Commonplace audience; the conversational, casual style serves your goals of communicating perfectly, and I am sure that it does appeal to a part of your readers. However, you want to avoid such insouciance permeating the very core of your argument, which should remain serious and convincing. Again, strengthen your claims with solid evidence, avoid groundless assumption, and relate your argument to the larger social context; then your essay would be much better, and more suitable for Commonplace publication.

Good luck with your revision. I hope you find my suggestion helpful.

Hope to see your article published on Commonplace!

Sincerely,