Group 7 Memos

Memo 1

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies
Date: May 24, 2011
Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

I have read and evaluated your essay on Corporate Warfare. The argument that private military companies/ mercenaries should not be involved in our current war is very interesting. I cannot recommend your essay for submission for publication on Commonplace, but I do think that you have a topic that can eventually meet all requirements needed by Commonplace, once you have made some changes to your essay. The argument that you make is timely and relevant but not compelling. You make a clear argument that you do not think that private military contractors should not be used in today’s warfare, but it does not offer any contributions as to why these private military contractors are used in current war situations in the first place.

The argument that you make in your essay is that you do not think that private military contractors are necessary and are actually a major contributor to the cause of the war. You then bring up the private military contracting company “Blackwater”, and talk about the tour that was conducted in Iraq on September 17, 2007. This was the “Nisoor Square Massacre” that put the “Blackwater” team to blame for the numerous innocent Iraqi deaths and injured. Also in your essay you state that private military contractors are unnecessary and overly destructive. You then go on to say that these private military contractors are involved in the current wars for their own monetary gain, and that, for the most part; they have no formal military training. This brings up a good point in that they cannot be as effective as the formal enlisted military.

The first part of your essay that I think needs revision is your argument about how you do not think that private military companies are necessary. If you were to add more evidence to back up your argument, besides the Blackwater “Nisoor Square Massacre”, then I think that it would be more well rounded. Also if you could include some points as to why private military companies are in use today, that would make you seem more compelling to the CommonPlace audience. The in text citations in your essay are used a little too often. The use of the in text citations is necessary, but the frequent use in your essay detracts from the essay as compelling. It also puts your credibility in question. Another aspect of your essay that needs revision is the structure and “voice”. By that I mean you need to have more of a conversation with your readers and not be so formal. Remember, to be a well rounded candidate for CommonPlace, you need to be a little informal, but still assure your readers that you know what you are talking about. Repetition is another weakness to your essay. Stating that the private military contractors are overly armed and overly destructive, adds to downfall of your credibility. I think that if you added more facts and evidence to back up these claims, by talking more about situations in which the private military contractors have done a good job or were necessary in the end result of a battle, which would add to you sounding a little more unbiased in your essay. Also, if you were to add how the current enlisted military completes the mission without the help or use of any private military companies; this would be another way to become more compelling to the CommonPlace criterion. CommonPlace requires its’ contributors to not offend the readers. You don’t offend any readers in my opinion; however, you do come off a little strong in your argument. If you were to suggest empathy for the lives lost on both the Iraqi and American side of the war, it would make your use of pathos much clearer. I believe with the minor revisions to your essay, you would have a good chance of being accepted to CommonPlace as published author.

Sincerely,

Your Peer Reviewer

Memo 2

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies

Date: 5/24/2011

Decision: Accepted with minor revisions

Dear Commonplace author,

Thank you for allowing me to read your paper. It is very evident that you spent a vast amount of time researching and writing your essay. I was never really familiar with private military companies and Blackwater operations, but after reading your paper, I feel fairly well-acquainted with the topic. I heavily recommend your paper for publication on Commonplace, it is timely, relevant, and compelling – your essay clearly resonates within the Commonplace community. However your essay does need a few minor revisions in order for it to move onto the next step towards Commonplace publication.

Your overall argument is of how private military companies are detrimental to war efforts and are irresponsible forces. One of the most important pieces of evidence your provided to support your argument included the Nisoor Square massacre. This argument is a clear example of using compelling evidence, specifically pathos. By discussing the wrenching details of Blackwater shooting student Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie, his mother, and countless innocent civilians, you have directly appealed to the audience’s emotions. You used logos when explaining how contractors do not receive the same training that the military goes through and they are not bound to the same military code. This evidence is logical in the sense that it explains how contractors are vastly different from actual soldiers in the military. Your essay is timely as well because it is about events that are happening in the world today. It is also timely because it is persuasive and it changes people’s opinions on what they originally thought to be true. (Private military companies were once thought to be good, but through your paper it is evident that they are poisoning our military system.) With interesting facts about the inhumanness of Blackwater, you have appealed to the Commonplace audience. But the one Commonplace criterion that your paper is lacking is “relevancy”. How do private companies affect us college students? What impact does this have?

The main suggestion that I have for you is to include other infamous military companies that are corrupt. While your example of Blackwater is an excellent one, it would also help support your paper if you included other unethical companies as well. “Just after noon, a car driven by…Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother approached Nisoor square. Before actually entering the square, a gunner on one of the armored vehicles opened fire on the car striking Ahmad in the head, killing him instantly. The vehicle continued rolling into the square. At this point, all of the Blackwater vehicles were firing at will into the square. A rocket-propelled grenade was fired at the car causing it to explode and engulf into flames, killing Ahmad’s mother. Civilians began to flee but were gunned down….They also determined that the cars the other victims were using had the back windows shot out, but not the windshields, indicating they were fired upon as they were attempting to escape the square.” I was in shock and pure disbelief when I read this. I couldn’t even imagine such a crime and tragedy like this even happening. It might be helpful to add citations to make this a more powerful statement. They seem to be lacking when you were discussing the atrocities of Blackwater.

The biggest component that you’re missing in your paper is using your own voice. What are your thoughts on the immoral and unethical actions that companies have? Not only will this help strengthen your essay, but it will also clarify your stand on this issue. It will also aide your paper if you could expand on how contractors lack the formal discipline of a regular soldier and how they are not bound by the military code, as well as how they are paid more than soldiers.

As for your conclusion, it seems as if you have added some information that was not contained in your paper before, such as how, “Contractors are heavily armed brutes that are not bound by military code, and operate in the “grey zone” of the law.” I would suggest that you add this information into the previous paragraph. It would also be beneficial if you explain in more detail how they operate in the “grey zone.”

I hope you find my suggestions helpful as you move on to the next step of revising for publication and I look forward to reading your paper on Commonplace.

Sincerely,

Your fellow Commonplace editor

Memo 3

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies

Date: 05/27/2011
Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

Thank you for offering this chance to read your well constructed essay. Your essay brings audiences to an unknown hidden world about the reality of the private military companies. I think your essay is timely and compelling, however is not relevant. So I suggest you Revise and Resubmit your essay.

Your overall argument is that private military companies, or called mercenaries, should be replaced by our disciplined formal military. Because they are irresponsible, destructive and, motivated by personal benefit and not as formal or well trained like traditional military and sometimes they follow their personal judgment and emotions but not conduct. Supporting your argument, your first provide 14 separate shooting incidents been done in Iraq and then talk about one specific case caused by Blackwater, where” One of the most controversial shooting events that occurred during Backwater’s tour in Iraq was the Nisoor square massacre that occurred on September 17, 2007… Civilians began to flee but were gunned down. ” . By discussing the evidence that even though “Blackwater said it fired strictly in defense”, however the evidences studied by US First Cavalry Division indicate that there are no other armed force other than Blackwater itself. Furthermore, use details to claim that actually victims are escaping from the are instead of against Blackwater militaries.

This essay is timely because the topic that military problems are pays much more attention to after 9/11 and US spend a great of money on Iraq and caused many problems in Iraq. Publics blame all the problems to US armies. However publics do not know much about what happened in there. This essay offered clear information about the unknown fact that may loom up public attention and ring an alarm for the employers who hire those private military companies.

At the same time this essay also compelling by using details. For example, there are no AK-47 shell casing but only US made shell casing used by Blackwater, indicates that the Black water company is the only fire resource and the other detail that cars the other victims were using had the back windows shot out, but not the windshields, indicates that the victims are trying to escape instead of trying to against the Black water forces, which convinces audiences that the this incident is merely caused by Blackwater itself not any Iraq military forces. By providing example of Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother, let audiences feel like this is a real accident happened around us, without doubting the reality of this event.

However, even though offering an example of college students Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother, this essay doesn`t show the relevance. Seems that the main argument has nothing relates this phenomenon to the audiences, who are mostly young people among 18-25. Also, doesn`t pay attention to the college students related to the private military.

Here I have few suggestions may improve your claim.

1. The sentence “Of the roughly 20 private military companies operating around the world, “Blackwater USA” has created an almost infamous reputation for itself.” This seems that you may want to enforce that the bad reputation of Blackwater, but his may cause audiences to think that Blackwater is only private military company in the world and what happened to them is just a rarely case not all of the private company are like Blackwater.

2. In the fourth paragraph, you claim that the college student Ahmad Hathem al-Rubaie and his mother were killed by incident, want to relate this phenomenon to college students who are the major audiences of common places, but this doesn`t make sense providing such a case suddenly will let audiences think about that you are meaning to relate to college students on purposely.

3. Relate your topic to college students may be helpful in relevance and can think about how this will influence college students because many college students go to military after college.

Again, this is a really interesting manuscript essay, and I hope you find my suggestions helpful as you revise for publication on Commonplace.

Sincerely,

Memo 4

Title: Corporate Warfare: The Deadly Reality of Private Military Companies

Date: May 24, 2011

Revision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author,

Thank you for giving me the chance to read your paper on the mercenary’s involvement in the United States military. You bring up very good points and claims to support your opinion in your favor. However, after reading your essay, it is timely and compelling, but I think it is best that you revise and resubmitted your paper for Commonplace admission.

Your overall argument in your paper is that military mercenaries are irresponsible and illegitimate and that they should be eliminated from the military or replaced but other forms of military services. You also argue that these contractors have no place in our military and are just causing more problems and trouble we have to deal with. You go on to give examples from the Blackwater USA. You back your claim up by saying, “the company has developed a lot of controversy after a series of documents were leaked concerning the war in Iraq. They brought to light many of the abuses committed by Blackwater. The documents outlined 14 separate shooting incidents committed by Blackwater employees, in which there were a total of ten civilian casualties and seven others wounded (Glanz).” With this overview you go on to explain a specific incident in Iraq and what war committed crimes were done. By the end of your work you come to the conclusion that private military companies should be excluded and taken out of our military and have no place on the battle field.

This being said there are some revisions that can be make to improve your paper to give it a better chance of being submitted on to Commonplace.

1. Your paper isn’t relevant. One of the Commonplace requirements is that your piece be timely, compelling, and relevant. You do a good job being timely, talking about an event that is currently going on in the world. Also, you bring up a point that is actually a problem people and the military have to deal with. Your article is compelling when you give good example to back up your claims and remain creditable. Where you paper lacks is being relevant. Through you writing you don’t connect to your audiences or establish who they are. Relevant means to connect and attract readers into reading your paper. The audience of Commonplace is college students and the public. When writing you should consider them and what they want to read and how you can make your writing more appealing to them. When your piece is more relevant it is easier to persuade your audience to believe your side or your argument.

2. The beginning of your essay is what brings your author in, and attracts them to keep reading. You start you paper off by saying, “The term “Private Military Company,” is a relatively newly coined term to describe one of the oldest professions in history, the mercenary. A mercenary, in its most basic definition, is simply a soldier for hire.” This doesn’t appeal to all audiences and doesn’t bring them into to want to read more. Hook the audience in by relating your topic to them and make them want to keep going on to find out more.

3. In you second paragraph you talk about the Geneva Convention and what it means to be a mercenary. This is all very good information but the way it is written is very confusing and contains too much information at once. Being a person who it not familiar with military mercenary’s I got lost in this part. Take some time to explain your self and put it in a way any audience reading can understand.

4. After you talk about the incident with the Blackwater, it would be helpful to explain the consequences of their acts. Explain what the military and the United State had to go through because of the action. You do a good job illuminating their attack now go further and tell about the result and what it cost the military.

I hope you find some of my suggestion helpful, and help your papers opportunity to be submitted on to Commonplace. This is a very interesting paper and you bring up many good points to make people reconsider their thoughts on the United States mercenary.

Sincerely,

Your Peer Editor