Group 4 Memos

Memo 1

Title: Homophobia in our Generation

Date: 05/27/2011

Decision: Accept with Revisions

Dear Author,

Thank you for the chance to read such an eye opening and informative piece, which your essay clearly was. I chose to accept your work for many reasons, the topic being the first. Your observations of homophobia throughout your life are, in my opinion, very accurate within many heterosexual people of our generation. I particularly feel that you portrayed your claims on homophobia well when you gave a lengthy description on how your perception changed throughout the years and your ability to point out your parents view on the parade is essential to breaking the chain of hate in which your paper is all about and for that I applaud you. Your work, overall, is an exceptional piece and therefore I have decided that the paper should be accepted but first it must be revised to clear out any kinks.

While I did, as a reader, enjoy this paper's topic, as an editor, I ask that you remember that I would like to see you revise to a certain extent. I must point out the flaws that are present within your work, no matter how few. This of course, will only make your paper that much more strong and thus make your argument more attractive to your readers.

So, with that said, here are my concerns and other impressions that I have had with your paper thus far:

1. While your paper, in the majority, is well written and well worded, there are a few grammatical errors that I feel could be cleared up if you do a few read-throughs. Grammatical errors may not seem like a big deal in many cases but with an argumentative paper such as yours, you must remember that errors weaken your argument, just as a politicians speech would be if he or she had errors. An example of this from your paper would be when you are speaking about your “child's mind” in the first paragraph. This is, for a second, confusing and that second of after thought takes the reader away from the topic of the paper. A better way of wording this could possibly be, “my mind as a child” or something of that nature in which your purpose of that sentence is clear and unquestionable.

2. The three objectives to the paper that Commonplace has demanded are that your paper be timely, relevant, and compelling. There is no question that this paper is relevant or compelling to the audience of Commonplace. What little concern that I do have is with whether the paper is timely or not. I feel that while the topic at hand is very much a current issue in our generation, the way in which you wrote your paper is not as timely as might be preferred when an essay is chosen for Commonplace. Throughout much of the paper you speak of homophobia in a past tense focus. This makes your paper feel somewhat like more of a historical paper than an argumentative one. What I ask of you is that you make an effort to argue your point earlier on in the paper to avoid any conflict with the demand for timeliness from Commonplace.

3. While your use of past stories from your life make timeliness an obstacle, they do help in a different aspect and should not be completely stricken from the paper. There are three rhetoric pillars, ethos, pathos, and logos, that must be used when writing an argumentative essay. You start your essay right off with a strong example of ethos in your story of your childhood. This story also gives you a credibility on the argued topic. Pathos is the use of emotion to gain favor on your side of the argument. You did this by speaking of the boy who committed suicide due to gay bullying. My biggest concern with this paper is the lack of logos used. While the paper is logically written, you use very little logical evidence throughout the work. Though the use of logos is a must in all argumentative papers, it is not as crucial in an essay that is geared toward college students and can possibly take away from the chances of the paper being compelling to that targeted audience. I feel that if a little more logos was instilled into this paper then you would find a favorable balance.

4. I would lastly like to commend you on the flow of the paper. Your essay was a very easy read and I only rarely lost track while reading, those times being grammatical issues, of which I already touched on.

As I have said, your paper was well written and thought provoking. I hope to see your essay on Commonplace in the future. Thank you for the chance to read such an interesting piece.

Sincerely,

47S004

Memo 2

Title: Homophobia in Our Generation

Date: 05/27/11
Decision: Submit with Minor Revisions

Author,

I would like to thank you for writing such a bold essay. I very much enjoyed reading it. I do agree with your statement: “We have moved onto an enlightened homophobic era where we accept the surface of homosexuality but not the whole lifestyle.” So true, I agree with your statement and how people see the lifestyle and feel uncomfortable. But if people are exposed to it and more accepting, then people can see it for what it really is: just a person living their life, but they just so happen to love a man or woman of the same sex. Your article overall is good but needs a little work it is compelling, timely, but not relevant.

I do not think your article is relevant because I think you flip flop with your ideal audience. At times you write as if you are talking to a college age. For instance, when you give modern day examples for us to relate to. But then when you start talking about your personal experience and technology it seems like you are trying to get an older generation comfortable with homosexuality. So consider who your ideal audience is and focus on it. When it comes to commonplace your audience is college students, think about how they are ideal and in what ways they can be persuaded to make a difference.

This topic is timely because you have an actual argument and within the argument there is a purpose. And that purpose is for people to stop judging so harshly on people just because their lifestyle is not the same as yours. And when discussing Modern Family and Glee you are telling the audience that this has helped shift views and has challenged people’s stance on gays. And as it reads in commonplace, making an argument like this is do-able. And people can be easily convinced.

In relation to compelling your writers voice is creditable and fits the ethos requirement. Given your stance, personal experiences, age, and knowledge of this topic in the media gives you an exceptional creditably.

As stated in Commonplace compelling is evidence and you do give a lot of evidence such as:

1. Your own personal experience

2. Discussing homosexual public figures and there representations in TV

3. Bullying and giving the example of Tyler Clementi as well as “It Gets Better “ campaign

· When you talk about the “It Gets Better” campaign you say how anyone can submit a video. I have seen many of these videos and to be more relevant in this aspect talk about how celebrities like Lady Gaga, Perez Hilton, and Adam Lambert submitted videos to Youtube telling young teens or anyone feeling down, that it does get better.

As far as ways you can improve your article I can offer the following advice:

1. Make the beginning of your paper stronger. The first two paragraphs could use some work. I understand what you are trying to say but it does not ready easy. Some of the wording at times is awkward for example when you discuss your father it is wordy, consider revising that. Also when you describe your time in the Catholic school and the description of your teacher is a hard read as well.

2. Mainly in the beginning of your paper you go from past tense to present. And I think fixing this can help your paper read easier.

3. I think you should elaborate some more about gay marriage because you kind of jus throw it out there at the end of your article and then go right into the last sentences of your conclusion. So either take it out all together or talk about it in its own paragraph and lengthen your conclusion

Overall I think this is a wonderful paper. That has the ability to open a college students eyes to the homosexual lifestyle that happens in 2011, whether people snub their nose up to it or not. I think this paper should be submitted with minor revisions, and within those minor revisions paying close attention to who your ideal audience is.

Sincerely,

Your peer editor

Memo 3

Title: Commonplace essay

Date: May 24, 2011

Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

Thank you for letting me read your essay on how homosexuality has opened to society overtime and how ignorance affects the LGBT community today. Your essay has strong potential, although I cannot recommend your submission for publication to Commonplace. I think your is essay is timely and relevant. Today we are in fact transitioning as a society on how we perceive the gay community and it is a topic that would attract the commonplace audience. You have a clear ideal audience and your perspectives help grab the readers attention. However, your arguments and evidence can be better supported in able to become more persuasive and appealing to the commonplace audience. Your have written a solid essay overall, but you still have some potential areas to improve, for this I recommend for you to revise and resubmit your paper.

Your argument is that people are opening to the LGBT society but there are still many who don’t accept the homosexual lifestyle. Ignorance on people as well, has affected the lives of those who are part of the LGBT community. To support your argument you use three main examples: Your personal experience on a catholic school on how your teacher church values conflict with moral values as of how to treat the LG community. Second, you argue on how society has spoke out against homophobia through television shows involving gay characters. At last the death of Tyler Clementi and how the exposure of his sexual preference led the college student to commit suicide due to social bullying.

That said, I have several questions and suggestions that could improve your essays and chances for acceptance into Commonplace.

1. You provide great evidence with the statistic on how 70% of students believe gay marriage should be legal. You should consider using this statistic throughout the body of your essay or maybe add other similar, it would make your essay more compelling. Search for other evidence that could be used in your essay in order to convince the audience to support your point of view. Remember that strong evidence is what makes people buy your argument.

2. You introductory sentence is not very clear. I would suggest rephrasing your statement (Using the word “I” repeatedly may distract the reader on what you are trying to say) . Perhaps a quote or a shocking statistic might help grab your audience attention better.

3. Explain to the audience what “North Side Fourth of July Parade” is. Many might no be familiar with the LGBT festivals or community at all. As you mention before, ignorance is a big part of today’s problems towards the LGBT community, many might not understand this the same way you do.

4. I would suggest you to revise the relevancy of mentioning “My limping, gray, ‘looks like a nun but she’s married’ sort of teacher …”. Is it important to mention your teacher was limping and gray? Is it rude?

5. I would suggest on paragraph 2 to use “gay marriage and their lifestyles” instead of “gay marriage and the gay lifestyle”

6. Be careful on how you engage towards people who do not support gay marriage or their lifestyles. On your sentence “bible-beating preachers who yell “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” are now perceived as crazy by the public” think of a way to clarify better both sides of the situation. There are many people who morally believe the same way the church does, meaning that men and women are the way god intended to be. You may want to revise your tone when speaking to that audience, the phrase “crazy public “might not be the appropriate way to communicate for those who argue differently. Your goal should be to convince this people to buy your argument and support.

7. On paragraph 3 you mention how the “increasing technology” have kept things less private. This claim does not fit with your further examples on television shows likes Glee or Ellen DeGeneres. You might want to provide some evidence on how technology have influence homosexual perception.

8. I would suggest to rephrase on paragraph 4 the sentence “He was so humiliated by the video and the mockery that his roommate and roommate’s friend…”.

9. On paragraph 5 make you mention Dan Savage. You would like to mention a little bit more about him? Why is he relevant in this situation? People may not be familiar with the character the same way you are.

10. The last 3 sentences of paragraph 5 can be a little distracting by overusing the word “Understanding”. The sentences “….could lead to understanding. Understanding is what is truly needed for homosexuality to be completely accepted. Understanding can lead people….” should be revised.

11. The transition from paragraph 6 to 7 is unclear and confusing. It gives the sense that your were interrupted after “Now, however we are in college the time to make our decision.” Add a couple of sentences that would ease your transition to the concluding paragraph.

I would like to acknowledge the effort you’ve put into your essay. Your general argument is well understood. Your evidence is solid but I would suggest incorporating evidence that might grab more the reader’s attention. Statistics or facts may help set build stronger arguments. I strongly suggest you to view the web page of Parent Families and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (see note at the end) this may provide very interesting facts and statistics that may help you build a better and well supported argument. Remember that strong evidence is what’s going to get the reader to believe in your arguments and ultimately support your point of view; personal experiences can complement strong and relevant evidence in your essay. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your paper. I hope you find my suggestions valuable in your process as you revise your essay for further publication in Commonplace.

Sincerely,